only a month after the date that i manage to write this entry. and all the ideas are gone. i had a thought to jot them down, but i kept thinking, it's okay, i'll write the blog tomorrow, no need to jot. and then... as usual, tomorrow becomes the day after, day after becomes next week, next week becomes next month. and i can't remember what i had in mind exactly one month ago anymore.. :)
let's start with... becoming 26. something happened right after i turned 26, that made me realize i do not live an easy life, i am never granted the easy or the simple way, because that is just my life. that i should stop being surprised when things take an unexpected turn, just because they do, with no particular reason at all. i had a decision to make, it was pretty straight forward. i was done with the old one- still loved it with all my heart but it wasn't working for me anymore- and looking forward for a new one, which i managed to get not long from the time i started wishing for it, and i was extremely grateful for that. the decision to toss the old one was hard. i've spent most of my life with it for the past two years, it IS my life. but the new one is very tempting and it would bring a much needed change; i was getting tired of the pattern of the old one, or rather, the lack of pattern. but in the end i decided to go for it. and i was like "wow, this is pretty simple. want sth, wish for it, got it. tadaa.." a few days went by without any interruption. my head was filled with images of the new one and how my life would change after i start with it. then i started feeling anxious. suddenly i thought, "wait a minute, is this real? is it some kind of joke? this is not normal. my decision making cannot be this simple. it's just not me, and just not my life to have things simply given to me without much issue or conflict." and then starts the suspense. it's like tiptoeing in the jungle, anticipating for the tiger to pounce on you at any moment. and it really kills the excitement. i even tried to force myself back to 'excited' stage, thinking i have this psychological condition, for which i am not even sure there's a term for. so, there i was, convinced that i was some kind of psychology-handicap, screaming in my brain "what is wrong with u, sarah? can't you just accept it and be thankful? why do you have to analyze every little detail and drive yourself nuts??" at one point i didn't know what i was upset about; the fact that i am mentally abnormal, or that something will surely go wrong i just don't know what or when. one week went by peacefully. i was beginning to be hopeful. maybe for once, just for once, it will go smoothly. enter the following week and then... i received a call. sth about the old one, offering me what i have always wanted, what i have been wishing for for the past one year. it's like a dream come true and then some. but things are different now. things have changed. i had to consider if it is still the best of my interest to stick with the old one. i put down the phone and let out a heavy sigh... so i am not crazy after all. it's true that a simple straight path is not my way. it may be for others, but not for me. me anticipating something will happen that will shake the calm, was not a mental illness, that was me being realistic of the facts of my life. there. i only realized that after 26 years of living on this planet. after 3 days of thinking i called the number that called me back. to listen to the plan again, at least this time with a more rational mind, plus i've given it some thought and i get to ask where things are not clear. the last time we talked i was so surprised i could hardly utter a response. the voice at the other end kept persuading me to take the offer. i was hesitant. i honestly have grown tired of the old one n was really looking forward to the new one. well, the new one isn't really what i wanted but i have always thought, why not? try sth new and i can always go back to what i want. get a fresh environment. but when it is something that you have always wanted, and you always wished for, that is offered to you, it really is not easy saying no, even though i have given up hope on it ever happening. and i kept thinking, why now? why now when things have changed? why now when i have a good offer in my hands? why now when things has become difficult for me to stick to the old one, so complicated i wasn't sure i have the strength to even keep standing until time runs out, let alone run to the finishing line.. two weeks of sleepless nights brought me to my decision. lets start fresh. let it go. if it were meant to be, there will be other chances, other opportunities, perhaps better ones.
thank you very very much to all of you who sent me a wish.
thank you to my dear aunt for the lisbon trip.
thank you to my beloved bf for the Tiffany Blue Box®, yet again. i'll never get tired nor bored of those adorable boxes, especially the shiny stuff inside them. :)
thank you to my bubbly little sister for the spa treat. not sure when i'll go but i will when i have time.
thank you to my darling best friend for the box of benefit goodies.
let's start with... becoming 26. something happened right after i turned 26, that made me realize i do not live an easy life, i am never granted the easy or the simple way, because that is just my life. that i should stop being surprised when things take an unexpected turn, just because they do, with no particular reason at all. i had a decision to make, it was pretty straight forward. i was done with the old one- still loved it with all my heart but it wasn't working for me anymore- and looking forward for a new one, which i managed to get not long from the time i started wishing for it, and i was extremely grateful for that. the decision to toss the old one was hard. i've spent most of my life with it for the past two years, it IS my life. but the new one is very tempting and it would bring a much needed change; i was getting tired of the pattern of the old one, or rather, the lack of pattern. but in the end i decided to go for it. and i was like "wow, this is pretty simple. want sth, wish for it, got it. tadaa.." a few days went by without any interruption. my head was filled with images of the new one and how my life would change after i start with it. then i started feeling anxious. suddenly i thought, "wait a minute, is this real? is it some kind of joke? this is not normal. my decision making cannot be this simple. it's just not me, and just not my life to have things simply given to me without much issue or conflict." and then starts the suspense. it's like tiptoeing in the jungle, anticipating for the tiger to pounce on you at any moment. and it really kills the excitement. i even tried to force myself back to 'excited' stage, thinking i have this psychological condition, for which i am not even sure there's a term for. so, there i was, convinced that i was some kind of psychology-handicap, screaming in my brain "what is wrong with u, sarah? can't you just accept it and be thankful? why do you have to analyze every little detail and drive yourself nuts??" at one point i didn't know what i was upset about; the fact that i am mentally abnormal, or that something will surely go wrong i just don't know what or when. one week went by peacefully. i was beginning to be hopeful. maybe for once, just for once, it will go smoothly. enter the following week and then... i received a call. sth about the old one, offering me what i have always wanted, what i have been wishing for for the past one year. it's like a dream come true and then some. but things are different now. things have changed. i had to consider if it is still the best of my interest to stick with the old one. i put down the phone and let out a heavy sigh... so i am not crazy after all. it's true that a simple straight path is not my way. it may be for others, but not for me. me anticipating something will happen that will shake the calm, was not a mental illness, that was me being realistic of the facts of my life. there. i only realized that after 26 years of living on this planet. after 3 days of thinking i called the number that called me back. to listen to the plan again, at least this time with a more rational mind, plus i've given it some thought and i get to ask where things are not clear. the last time we talked i was so surprised i could hardly utter a response. the voice at the other end kept persuading me to take the offer. i was hesitant. i honestly have grown tired of the old one n was really looking forward to the new one. well, the new one isn't really what i wanted but i have always thought, why not? try sth new and i can always go back to what i want. get a fresh environment. but when it is something that you have always wanted, and you always wished for, that is offered to you, it really is not easy saying no, even though i have given up hope on it ever happening. and i kept thinking, why now? why now when things have changed? why now when i have a good offer in my hands? why now when things has become difficult for me to stick to the old one, so complicated i wasn't sure i have the strength to even keep standing until time runs out, let alone run to the finishing line.. two weeks of sleepless nights brought me to my decision. lets start fresh. let it go. if it were meant to be, there will be other chances, other opportunities, perhaps better ones.
thank you very very much to all of you who sent me a wish.
thank you to my dear aunt for the lisbon trip.
thank you to my beloved bf for the Tiffany Blue Box®, yet again. i'll never get tired nor bored of those adorable boxes, especially the shiny stuff inside them. :)
thank you to my bubbly little sister for the spa treat. not sure when i'll go but i will when i have time.
thank you to my darling best friend for the box of benefit goodies.
