Hello... Lama nya tak luahan perasaan kat blog.. *sigh..
I don't even know how to put this in words...
I have been offered by dear beloved to move forward, to take the next step. The thing is, i am not the least ready. And I put up quite a fight. But, how do you say no when the person you love the most wants to spend the rest of his life with you? More than once I heard words that concludes to : "You're selfish". I thought we won't be approaching these issues in at least a few years. Why? Because I have some dreams, and goals, and many things in life I would very much like to achieve before I settle down. My mum said "you can still do that. There is nothing wrong with doing both at the same time." Yes, true. But I prefer going for those things first, so that my focus is only on them.
I said yes anyway, albeit a heavy heart. At first, the thought of life after would make my heart sink, every time the thought enters my mind. At one point I was angry at every single person I could think of. I was angry at H, because he is so sweet with his thoughts and plans of us together that I didn't have the heart to say no. I was angry at his parents for all these crazy ideas of getting us settled down even though I know they mean well and they only want the best, for both of us. I was angry at my parents for not supporting me, not that they support my decision much throughout my life, but I was hoping for some this time because I already felt helpless. My mum, as usual, viciously attacked me with her points, up to the point i meekly said "ok".
So I started to tune my head.. Telling myself, well, this is happening only a couples of years earlier than expected.. and I am doing it with the person I want to be with, it's not like I'm forced to accept a total stranger. So fine. Very slowly the excitement creeps in..
Then..reality hits back. I won't have what I have always wished for.. which made me think, "if only we had waited.. then maybe it is possible.." Frustration flared. But H has a way of calming me down and assured me i need not worry. Promises are promises, which he has always, always kept. Without fail. It is just a matter of time. "Be patient, honey. " were his soothing words.. So ok.. The excitement that left came back in tiny pieces, but they did anyhow.
Then came the intense argument with my parents. *sigh.. This wasn't going to get any easier. That chapter closed, the date of the very first visit was decided.
Then, mum argued about engagement date. I said no, not now. Later. "What difference does it make??" she questioned. I just replied it is not going to happen soon. Period. If it goes my way, there wouldn't even be an engagement. I did it just to please her.
It is so difficult when everybody refuse to understand the fact that I am pushing myself doing everything I can to meet in the middle. I am trying my best to make everyone happy. 2012 is early enough. My mum found the date. I wish it would be later, but I told myself it is good enough i get to push it to 2012, instead of going along with the initial plan of having the big day in 2011. I said no engagement, but mum wants it done. Ok was my answer. I was thinking somewhere in the second half of 2011, and now she wants it as soon as possible. I am out of energy to fight anymore, so anger no longer hits, I can just sigh.
I started to plan. Yes, it might seem early. But to me it is just about right. I have decided to do it. It was me who said yes, regardless my sentiment towards it, so I have to bear the responsibility. Why now?
Reason no. 1: Ana can't be more organized than me and 8 months for her back then was barely enough. Which means, I'm gonna need approximately 12 months to plan it nicely, if I don't want to end up running around like a crazy monkey.
Reason no. 2: it is Year-End Change Freeze at work, which means I still have work, but also a lot of time to do my own thing. So why not settle things in a month, that might otherwise take 3 months?
When I share it with H, he doesn't seem interested. At first I thought he was just tired, work takes the most out of him, I get that. Then after several tries, i realized that he is ecstatic about sharing our lives together, but not the least interested in the big-day's plans. I know I the fights I picked along the way, til we get to this point, and as I said I am left with little anger. Because I know every time I lash out at him, it drains him as much as it does me. So I bit my tongue every time I felt like saying, "Look, it was you who wanted to do this. This wasn't my idea." And i felt like saying that A LOT of time. I just don't understand why I am at the worst end. I don't get why I am the one who has to deal with difficult the parents. I don't get why all of a sudden everyone turns their back on me, and refuse to accept that what I am doing is nice enough, considering how stubborn a person I am. I am puzzled why am I the one who feels the worst yet it seems like I am the one putting in the most effort.
It is so much harder to accepts the challenges that comes your way when it wasn't your decision that brought you to that place.
The final touch is.. I get extremely pissed and annoyed when people try to congratulate me. I don't feel like celebrating, so shove your fake smile down your throat, because you are spoiling the small amount of happiness I am carrying.
But somehow.. in the midst of all the chaos, suddenly I can't wait for H to whisk me away and cover me in his protective arms, because when that day comes, even my parents can't say anything anymore, because then, I belong to him and knowing him, I will only be happy. :)
There's a silver lining behind the clouds after all.. At least that's what I would like to believe in. ;) *wink.
I don't even know how to put this in words...
I have been offered by dear beloved to move forward, to take the next step. The thing is, i am not the least ready. And I put up quite a fight. But, how do you say no when the person you love the most wants to spend the rest of his life with you? More than once I heard words that concludes to : "You're selfish". I thought we won't be approaching these issues in at least a few years. Why? Because I have some dreams, and goals, and many things in life I would very much like to achieve before I settle down. My mum said "you can still do that. There is nothing wrong with doing both at the same time." Yes, true. But I prefer going for those things first, so that my focus is only on them.
I said yes anyway, albeit a heavy heart. At first, the thought of life after would make my heart sink, every time the thought enters my mind. At one point I was angry at every single person I could think of. I was angry at H, because he is so sweet with his thoughts and plans of us together that I didn't have the heart to say no. I was angry at his parents for all these crazy ideas of getting us settled down even though I know they mean well and they only want the best, for both of us. I was angry at my parents for not supporting me, not that they support my decision much throughout my life, but I was hoping for some this time because I already felt helpless. My mum, as usual, viciously attacked me with her points, up to the point i meekly said "ok".
So I started to tune my head.. Telling myself, well, this is happening only a couples of years earlier than expected.. and I am doing it with the person I want to be with, it's not like I'm forced to accept a total stranger. So fine. Very slowly the excitement creeps in..
Then..reality hits back. I won't have what I have always wished for.. which made me think, "if only we had waited.. then maybe it is possible.." Frustration flared. But H has a way of calming me down and assured me i need not worry. Promises are promises, which he has always, always kept. Without fail. It is just a matter of time. "Be patient, honey. " were his soothing words.. So ok.. The excitement that left came back in tiny pieces, but they did anyhow.
Then came the intense argument with my parents. *sigh.. This wasn't going to get any easier. That chapter closed, the date of the very first visit was decided.
Then, mum argued about engagement date. I said no, not now. Later. "What difference does it make??" she questioned. I just replied it is not going to happen soon. Period. If it goes my way, there wouldn't even be an engagement. I did it just to please her.
It is so difficult when everybody refuse to understand the fact that I am pushing myself doing everything I can to meet in the middle. I am trying my best to make everyone happy. 2012 is early enough. My mum found the date. I wish it would be later, but I told myself it is good enough i get to push it to 2012, instead of going along with the initial plan of having the big day in 2011. I said no engagement, but mum wants it done. Ok was my answer. I was thinking somewhere in the second half of 2011, and now she wants it as soon as possible. I am out of energy to fight anymore, so anger no longer hits, I can just sigh.
I started to plan. Yes, it might seem early. But to me it is just about right. I have decided to do it. It was me who said yes, regardless my sentiment towards it, so I have to bear the responsibility. Why now?
Reason no. 1: Ana can't be more organized than me and 8 months for her back then was barely enough. Which means, I'm gonna need approximately 12 months to plan it nicely, if I don't want to end up running around like a crazy monkey.
Reason no. 2: it is Year-End Change Freeze at work, which means I still have work, but also a lot of time to do my own thing. So why not settle things in a month, that might otherwise take 3 months?
When I share it with H, he doesn't seem interested. At first I thought he was just tired, work takes the most out of him, I get that. Then after several tries, i realized that he is ecstatic about sharing our lives together, but not the least interested in the big-day's plans. I know I the fights I picked along the way, til we get to this point, and as I said I am left with little anger. Because I know every time I lash out at him, it drains him as much as it does me. So I bit my tongue every time I felt like saying, "Look, it was you who wanted to do this. This wasn't my idea." And i felt like saying that A LOT of time. I just don't understand why I am at the worst end. I don't get why I am the one who has to deal with difficult the parents. I don't get why all of a sudden everyone turns their back on me, and refuse to accept that what I am doing is nice enough, considering how stubborn a person I am. I am puzzled why am I the one who feels the worst yet it seems like I am the one putting in the most effort.
It is so much harder to accepts the challenges that comes your way when it wasn't your decision that brought you to that place.
The final touch is.. I get extremely pissed and annoyed when people try to congratulate me. I don't feel like celebrating, so shove your fake smile down your throat, because you are spoiling the small amount of happiness I am carrying.
But somehow.. in the midst of all the chaos, suddenly I can't wait for H to whisk me away and cover me in his protective arms, because when that day comes, even my parents can't say anything anymore, because then, I belong to him and knowing him, I will only be happy. :)
There's a silver lining behind the clouds after all.. At least that's what I would like to believe in. ;) *wink.
