Baby steps..

Hello... Lama nya tak luahan perasaan kat blog.. *sigh..

I don't even know how to put this in words...

I have been offered by dear beloved to move forward, to take the next step. The thing is, i am not the least ready. And I put up quite a fight. But, how do you say no when the person you love the most wants to spend the rest of his life with you? More than once I heard words that concludes to : "You're selfish". I thought we won't be approaching these issues in at least a few years. Why? Because I have some dreams, and goals, and many things in life I would very much like to achieve before I settle down. My mum said "you can still do that. There is nothing wrong with doing both at the same time." Yes, true. But I prefer going for those things first, so that my focus is only on them.

I said yes anyway, albeit a heavy heart. At first, the thought of life after would make my heart sink, every time the thought enters my mind. At one point I was angry at every single person I could think of. I was angry at H, because he is so sweet with his thoughts and plans of us together that I didn't have the heart to say no. I was angry at his parents for all these crazy ideas of getting us settled down even though I know they mean well and they only want the best, for both of us. I was angry at my parents for not supporting me, not that they support my decision much throughout my life, but I was hoping for some this time because I already felt helpless. My mum, as usual, viciously attacked me with her points, up to the point i meekly said "ok".

So I started to tune my head.. Telling myself, well, this is happening only a couples of years earlier than expected.. and I am doing it with the person I want to be with, it's not like I'm forced to accept a total stranger. So fine. Very slowly the excitement creeps in..

Then..reality hits back. I won't have what I have always wished for.. which made me think, "if only we had waited.. then maybe it is possible.." Frustration flared. But H has a way of calming me down and assured me i need not worry. Promises are promises, which he has always, always kept. Without fail. It is just a matter of time. "Be patient, honey. " were his soothing words.. So ok.. The excitement that left came back in tiny pieces, but they did anyhow.


Then came the intense argument with my parents. *sigh.. This wasn't going to get any easier. That chapter closed, the date of the very first visit was decided.

Then, mum argued about engagement date. I said no, not now. Later. "What difference does it make??" she questioned. I just replied it is not going to happen soon. Period. If it goes my way, there wouldn't even be an engagement. I did it just to please her.

It is so difficult when everybody refuse to understand the fact that I am pushing myself doing everything I can to meet in the middle. I am trying my best to make everyone happy. 2012 is early enough. My mum found the date. I wish it would be later, but I told myself it is good enough i get to push it to 2012, instead of going along with the initial plan of having the big day in 2011. I said no engagement, but mum wants it done. Ok was my answer. I was thinking somewhere in the second half of 2011, and now she wants it as soon as possible. I am out of energy to fight anymore, so anger no longer hits, I can just sigh.

I started to plan. Yes, it might seem early. But to me it is just about right. I have decided to do it. It was me who said yes, regardless my sentiment towards it, so I have to bear the responsibility. Why now?
Reason no. 1: Ana can't be more organized than me and 8 months for her back then was barely enough. Which means, I'm gonna need approximately 12 months to plan it nicely, if I don't want to end up running around like a crazy monkey.
Reason no. 2: it is Year-End Change Freeze at work, which means I still have work, but also a lot of time to do my own thing. So why not settle things in a month, that might otherwise take 3 months?

When I share it with H, he doesn't seem interested. At first I thought he was just tired, work takes the most out of him, I get that. Then after several tries, i realized that he is ecstatic about sharing our lives together, but not the least interested in the big-day's plans. I know I the fights I picked along the way, til we get to this point, and as I said I am left with little anger. Because I know every time I lash out at him, it drains him as much as it does me. So I bit my tongue every time I felt like saying, "Look, it was you who wanted to do this. This wasn't my idea." And i felt like saying that A LOT of time. I just don't understand why I am at the worst end. I don't get why I am the one who has to deal with difficult the parents. I don't get why all of a sudden everyone turns their back on me, and refuse to accept that what I am doing is nice enough, considering how stubborn a person I am. I am puzzled why am I the one who feels the worst yet it seems like I am the one putting in the most effort.

It is so much harder to accepts the challenges that comes your way when it wasn't your decision that brought you to that place.

The final touch is.. I get extremely pissed and annoyed when people try to congratulate me. I don't feel like celebrating, so shove your fake smile down your throat, because you are spoiling the small amount of happiness I am carrying.

But somehow.. in the midst of all the chaos, suddenly I can't wait for H to whisk me away and cover me in his protective arms, because when that day comes, even my parents can't say anything anymore, because then, I belong to him and knowing him, I will only be happy. :)
There's a silver lining behind the clouds after all.. At least that's what I would like to believe in. ;) *wink.

One Hafiz, to go, please. Oh ya, no onions. Thanks.

1) Missing H

2) No, I am not ready. And the discussion that you people are having regarding it is freaking the hell out of me. I know everyone mean well, but do remember, part of that deal, in fact, half of it, consists me. It is not just his life that will be forced to change. All this talk that is going on without even considering if I even want it that way, is very disturbing.

3) I need more. 5 months ago i thought this is more than enough. Plenty! But now... i have been proven wrong. *sigh.

4) Losing my appetite for Paramore. This is killing all my fun.



I.can't.handle.this.

I wan't H. In bed. Now. Please. :(

PARAMORE!!!!!!

Something to be excited about. :)

I want a dog & I have a crush on a girl

I'm a workaholic. That's a fact. :)

It's a bit difficult answering people's question about getting married with that statement. I enjoy working. And for now, I do not want to concentrate on anything else but work. I do not want to have to think of what my husband will have for dinner, what I have to prepare for lunch before I leave for work, that the house is messy and my husband will be uncomfortable. Nope. Not yet. One day, maybe. But not now.

We live in a different world now. Or so I thought. I imagine questions about getting married would come from the makciks only, but much to my surprise, they are flying from all directions including school friends. It's funny. I just realized I'm the only one with 'work-comes-first' attitude. :)

Changes. Yours and mine.

4.30 am in the morning. I finished my work about an hour ago. Sunyi. As usual, silence brought me back to past memories, future plans, and everything in between. Just 6 months ago life was ordinary and mundane. Even after two months in this new place, it still feels surreal whenever the thought of the old place come across my mind. It's like, wow, I'm here. I actually left. That wasn't the plan. Just like leaving Malaysia for two moths and staying in The Hague. That wasn't part of the plan either. But everything worked out in the end. I am happy where I am right now. The job, the team, the life, the routine. I like it so far. Being in shift, that's new. I can't say whether or not I like it yet, but I think I can get used to this. I have yet to hate anything so far. Well, other than having to go to the toilet alone in the middle of the night, that is. I am moving forward in my life, and that gives me a sense of pride. To take that step was extremely scary, but I did it. And now the scary part is over. The part of making that change is over. Being at work is still scary though. It's new, it's foreign. My lack of experience in this is making everything difficult. Mistakes are inevitable, and it scares me to death each time I carry out the implementation. But I am also gaining a lot of knowledge. So that's good.

My dear beloved is graduating. :) All the hard work poured in all those years... It has finally come to an end. We received an even bigger news tonight, but I will let him do the honour of breaking the news. All the sweat and tears have brought us to this point in life. You will be stepping into the working world soon enough, dear. A lot of things will change. I fear for us. The time that has to be spent your on work will be taxing on our relationship, just like mine was way back then, remember? So I hope and pray we will stay strong, like we did way back then when it was me who was drowning in work so much so that I could hardly reply a text message from you. However, we both are much more mature now, and a lot wiser. I believe we will be able to handle things better than we did before. Plus, the excitement of having you as a field engineer, I hope will help in easing the difficulty. I seriously can't wait to see how my other half's life journey will lay out from this point on. It has been a long wait. The moment is finally here. And he is worth the wait. Every single moment of it. :)

I am thrilled, and worried, at the same time, to see where all these changes will bring both of us, in life and in our relationship. One thing for sure, we will grow. With that I hope comes wisdom and maturity, both of which we will take with us as we build our life together in the future. We will continue writing our story many many years to come. Page after page of beautiful story carefully stored in our hearts.

Sleep tight my dear soulmate, I will see you in the morning. :)

Semak lagi

Dah 6 tahun injured boleh main lagi? Just be careful eh? Wow! Giler hebat wei!!



Kalau injured lagi baik tak payah surgery? Abih tu kalau dah nk jalan pon pakai tongkat, camaner? Mazhab mana kau pakai ni?



Blah la.

RIMAS

Ada orang sgt merimaskan saya di Facebook. Saya mmg pernah delete orang yang saya tak berkenan dalam list saya. Tapi orang ni kawan baik -hmo-. Saya tak mau argue dgn dia tentang orang ini. Tapi annoying la status dia hari-hari. Hampir semua benda yang dia tulis buat saya menyampah. Makin menjadi-jadi meluatnya. Macam, perlu ke cakap kat orang semua tu? Ish, rimas la. Semak je kat updates. Tak nak baca pon terbaca jugak la kan. Mau delete la. Semak. Rimas. Biadap tak? Tak kannnn... :)

=Aku tak jeles. Aku tak dengki. Sumpah. Takat benda-benda yang kau tulis tu, sikit aku tak heran. Tapi semak tau tak?=

Sebab banyak orang selalu claim orang lain dengki, orang lain jeles, sebab tu cakap macam tu. Tapi sesungguhnya saya tak rasa iri hati walau sedikit pun. Jelek nya ada la.

Let's Curse

It is not my nature to whine on my blog. Or use the blog untuk tujuan memaki org. But I started reading Miss Magenta's blog and also Miss Green Apple's. I just realize that you can be two completely different person in real life, and in the blog. You can say everything you want, that you can't say out loud in real life. You can become a bitch that curses everyone. And everytime you're pissed, you can go "Hmm, wait til I blog about this tonight.. Grrr..." Now I understand the joy of cursing about everything, on the blog. Puas ok.. So now I shall start...

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1) Hello sir, who are you to label people 'pervert', when you can't even give proper justification of using that word to label a person. And you had the guts to be judgmental about me and the way I dress, by saying, "Kalau I ada gf, mestila I tak suka dia pakai seksi-seksi, dedah-dedah. Ye la, aurat kan." Dude, fikir dulu sebelum berkata-kata. Adakah kau layak membangkitkan isu-isu sedemikian? I don't mind if you want to say things like that to me, if the person talking is a person yang sangat patuh pada ajaran agama. I admit, saya mmg jahil. What I do is one thing, but the way you say it, you're not only judging me for wearing revealing outfits, but you are also judging my bf for allowing me to wear those clothes in public. Yes, I put on my hot pants, tank tops, swimsuit, bikini and what not. But just because you don't do it, or rather, you don't allow your partner to do it, you are somehow a better person, and you get to judge me? This keeps reminding me of Miss Magenta's entry about the holier-than-thou concept. Saya keji kerana pakai seksi-seksi, dan bf saya keji kerana membenarkan gf-nya berpakaian sedemikian di khalayak ramai dan membenarkan orang ramai melihat "aurat" gf-nya. I don't mind even one bit if you just say you don't like your gf wearing those kind of outfit. I get it, I understand. In fact dah ramai pon my guy friends cakap macam tu. I wasn't the least offended. Masing-masing punya preference lah. Mungkin boleh kata tak manis orang pandang, sebab kita hidup komuniti Melayu, saya fahamlah kalau awak concerned pasal tatasusila. Tapi tak payah lah cerita pasal aurat. Saya tahu saya jahil dan saya tak pernah sekali-kali menyentuh tentang agama, atau hal hukum-hakam dalam perbualan atau argument. Bagi saya, saya tidak layak. Tapi kalau dah nak ungkit pasal aurat dengan saya, fikirlah pasal diri sendiri dulu. Nak aku ungkit pasal hukum meninggalkan solat? Atau apa hukumnya tidur sekatil dgn perempuan yang bukan muhrim? Sebab aku tau terang dan nyata kau memang tak ambil peduli apa hukumnya yang dua ini, sebab terang-terang kau memang buat. Jangan cakap "Sudahlah, kau pun sama buat." Tak payah cakap macam tu. Saya tak pernah judge atau bangkitkan isu-isu ini sebab saya tahu dimana saya. Dan saya tak pernah terlintas langsung untuk bercerita tentang hukum-hukum agama. Tetapi apabila anda bangkitkan isu agama dan hukum sedangkan anda sendiri perkara yang saya kira jauh lebih berat dari aurat pun tunggang terbalik, anda trigger saya untuk bangkitkan isu solat dan tidur sekatil dengan perempuan itu. Dan itu, saya tujukan khas buat anda, kerana saya tak pernah kesah kan rakan-rakan yang lain buat apa jua dengan hidup mereka. Itu hak mereka. Saya tak campur. Jangan fikir anda lebih baik dari orang lain kerana ini atau itu.

"Aku buat itu ini pon, at least aku pakai tudung."

"Aku buat benda-benda yang macam ni pon, at least aku tak biar awek aku pakai dedah-dedah macam tu."

"Aku togak arak pon, at least aku jaga family, anak bini aku elok-elok."

Eh, helo. Dah tau awak pon sama buat benda-benda jahil jugak, tak payah la nak judge orang lain yang konon-kononnye lebih teruk dari awak. Kita tak tau isi hati orang, tak tau ibadatnya macam mana. Let God do the judging boleh tak? Tak payah nak judge dan menghukum sesama sendiri. Tak layak pon.



2) You are nobody, bukan kawan baik pon, setakat kenal masa sekolah, ada hati nak cakap dengan bf saya, "Oh ko skarang dengan Sarah ke skarg? Dia tu ko kene ajar-ajar sikit tu." Nasib baik bf saya sudah bagi pandangan maut seraya berkata "Kau apahal??" Dah ambik terus terpisat-pisat nak balik. Hoi, kau tu bagus sangat lah? Gf ko tu mulia sangat lah? Sesuka hati cakap macam tu pasal gf orang. Define baik. Please. Define mulia. Tak pakai dedah-dedah, cakap suara antara keluar dengan tak, tapi perangai macam iblis, mulia? Bila berdepan malu-malu, makan pun ayu, tapi bila bergaduh boleh maki sampai ungkit nama mak ayah siap cakap tak reti ajar anak, itu ke baik? Yang mak ayah dia tak reti ajar ni jugak la kau menangis ratap pujuk rayu lepas tuh. Nasib baik dia cakap tak nak, pastu dia move on, then jadi bf aku. Haha..Tak kesahlah tak cukup ajaran sampai perlu diajar ke, jahil tak tau agama ke, suka hati kau nak cakap apa, kami happy. Aku doubt orang macam kau bahagia dalam relationship, macam kami ni, kalau mulut pun tak reti jaga, celah mana kau nak bahagia? Itu pon kalau ada orang nak. Yang tertipu dengan ke-ayuan yang dibuat-buat tuh tak tau la aku nak cakap apa. Kesian dia.



3) Lagi satu saya paling tak faham adalah orang yang perasan hot. Kau sampai lewat, kami sekumpulan dah sampai dulu, pastu kau salam the girl yang kau kenal tu sorang je, aku kau buat bodoh, which I still don't mind lagi la. Yang aku ni bangun konon-konon nak salam kau, dah kau buat dek macam aku tak wujud, terus cancel la kan. Boleh pulak kau jeling pandang atas bawah?? Apahal weiii?? Macam kau hot sangat. I am very objective most of the time when it comes to things like this. Kalau orang itu cantik atau hot, saya tetap akan mengaku bahawa dia cantik/hot walaupon saya bencikan perangainya. Tapi masalahnya kau tu tak hot! Takat pakai baby tee tulis "I'm gorgeous" tak payah la. (serious, tak tipu. memang baju dia tulis macam tu) Kau dressing pon macam kampung je ada hati nak pandang aku atas bawah. Aku ni mak aku ajar, nak balik kene salam. Dah aku salam orang lain aku salam lah kau skali. Boleh pulak kau bagi tangan je muka kau pandang tempat lain. Series kau celaka. Memang orang-orang macam kau ni la hidup takde makna, kerja ntah apa-apa, series hidup tak ada pencapaian langsung, tapi perasan je lebih. Sumpah aku tak heran.





Sekian, makian untuk hari ini. Have a good weekend, people!

Semak

Pantry tu punye la cantik, selesa lagi. Macam-macam jenis air ada. Kau picit je butang mana kau suka. Kat tepi surau jugak kau nak bukak port borak. Sembang kuat-kuat pastu gelak kuat-kuat. Orang nak semayang kau memekak. Semak tau tak? Bodoh.

Perlukah?

1) You're working in a big company (or at least that's how you made it sound), you've got an offer to a company in a big industry (i.e oil & gas), and you've got another interview scheduled! Wow! Great!

And you have to shout it to the whole wide world because.....?


2) You bought a new teevee! Yeay!

And it is a must go on display in facebook because....?


3) You've got an interview with a big company (i.e siemens) because your mother extorted some people in there and abused her position! Yipppeeee!!

And you had to underestimate other people's ability to pass their exam because....?


4) You bought a Coach handbag! Fuiyoooo!!!!

And you post questions about how many cards you need to mail to the States for the bag because....?



Seriously.

-Other people got way better jobs than you do, and offers pour in every month. Yours is not a big deal.
-Other people have big screens and home theater set at home in sound proof rooms. Yours is not a big deal.
-Other people graduate from Ivy Leagues and MIT and all the big sharks are waiting to hire them. Yours is not a big deal. It's not like you got that interview with your own merits, anyway.
-Other people buy RM40,000 Louis Vuitton. Your Coach is not a big deal.


So please, shut the fu*k up.

Mengapa?

1) Apabila saya sudah beritahu soalan apa akan ditanya, dgn sgt detail dan juga siap dgn berbagai suggestion jawapan, tolong jangan beri alasan yang anda tidak boleh jawab dgn baik kerana saya tidak beritahu anda bahawa CV anda telah saya forward. Jika anda berminat dan bersungguh-sungguh mahukan kerja atau sekurang-kurangnya dipanggil ke temuduga, saya anggap anda sudah bersedia dan sentiasa bersedia, dari mula saya minta anda hantarkan resume anda JIKA anda berminat. Dan saya sudah sebut JIKA. Jadi, JIKA anda tidak berminat, katakana sajalah. Jika benar anda mahu, anda sudah ada soalan, fikirkan sajalah jawapan yang anda akan beri. Jika itu pun anda malas buat, jangan katakan anda tidak dapat menjawab soalan-soalan apabila mereka menelefon anda kerana saya tidak beritahu resume sudah di forward. Jangan berkali-kali bertanya pada saya “bila you forward resume i? tak cakap pon? Jadi I jawab merapu je.” Please la dude. YOU want something, put in your effort. YOU want the job, PREPARE. It's ok if you don’t, just don’t give me lame excuses. It pisses me off.

2) Ye, saya tahu. Saya faham. Anda semua dari syarikat hebat-hebat dan besar-besar. Tak bermakna kami dari syarikat kecil, vendor, kami ini hina. Tak perlu bercakap dengan kami in a condescending way. Tak bermakna kami memandang kamu semua sangat agung. Tidak. Kami tahu kami ada kelebihan kami. Kami juga tahu anda ada kelebihan anda.

3) Apabila anda mahu bercakap dgn saya tentang sesuatu, pastikan anda ada isi dlm hujah anda. Jangan sesuka hati sahaja bercakap. Jika saya mulakan topik, dan anda hanya menyahut melayan perbualan itu, saya faham. Saya juga bukan dari golongan bijak pandai. Knowledge saya cetek sekali. Saya cuba carry setiap conversation yang dimulakan. Yang terbaik saya dpt berikan hanyalah mendengar dan cuba untuk mencelah sekali-sekala. Dan saya tidak mulakan perbualan tentang sesuatu yang saya tidak tahu. Apabila anda memulakan sesuatu topik, adakah ada fikir saya hanya akan angguk dan berkata “ye ke macam tu? Saya tak tau..” Sudah tentu saya mula bertanya pelbagai soalan tentang perkara yang anda utarakan. Saya ingin tahu. Tambahan pula anda bercakap tentang sesuatu yang saya tidak tahu. Lebih banyaklah soalan saya kerana saya ingin tahu. Jadi apabila soalan demi soalan saya anda jawab dengan “tak tahu”, “tak pasti la”, “ye kot”, saya kecewa. Dan mood saya berubah.


4) Jika mahu menulis atau bercakap dlm bahasa apa-apa sekali pun yang anda tidak mahir, tolonglah punyai kesedaran dalam diri bahawa anda tidak mahir. Saya tidak katakan jangan buat. Baguslah mencuba. Challenge yourself. Tetapi, letakkan diri anda ditempat yang sepatutnya. Jika tidak mahir, maka usahalah. Internet kan ada. Contoh paling mudah- bahasa Inggeris. Saya tidak pandai. Tetapi saya cuba sedaya upaya saya. Jika tidak tahu sesuatu perkataan, rujuklah pada kamus. Lihat maksud dan contoh cara penggunaan di website, Oxford, misalnya. Jika masih tidak pasti, simpan dahulu (KIV). Chances are, anda akan bertembung dgn perkataan itu lagi. Di akhbar, di dlm buku, di dalam rancangan tv. You just have to pay a little bit more attention. Pasti ada. Lama kelamaan sudah boleh menangkap bagaimana ia digunakan dalam ayat dan situasi. Jika tidak pasti tentang grammar, boleh Google topik tersebut. Memang benda yang kecil. Tambahan pula apabila anda menulis di blog. Hanya untuk kepuasan diri. Mengapa perlu hiraukan perkara-perkara begini? Betul? Salah. Jika anda memang sudah malas, guna sahajalah Bahasa Melayu. Mengapa perlu berbahasa inggeris jika grammarnya lintang pukang, ejaan juga berterabur? Perlukah menulis dalam bahasa itu jika anda sudah sememangnye tidak berminat untuk memperbaiki kemahiran berbahasa tersebut. Mengapa? Tak ‘hot-stuff’? Tak glemer kalau tak cakap omputih? Tak hebat? Dimanakah hebat nye jika verbs dan tenses anda tidak mampu letakkan di tempat yang betul? Sungguh saya tidak faham. Saya tidak maksudkan orang yg memang intentionally bercakap bahasa pasar. Itu saya boleh digest. Ini orang-orang yg kononnya hot, entri di blog konon2 cute/hot stuff, konon-konon best (padahal tak best pon), kemudian merasakan yang dia bagus. Somebody please pass me a bucket. I need to puke.

two-six

only a month after the date that i manage to write this entry. and all the ideas are gone. i had a thought to jot them down, but i kept thinking, it's okay, i'll write the blog tomorrow, no need to jot. and then... as usual, tomorrow becomes the day after, day after becomes next week, next week becomes next month. and i can't remember what i had in mind exactly one month ago anymore.. :)
let's start with... becoming 26. something happened right after i turned 26, that made me realize i do not live an easy life, i am never granted the easy or the simple way, because that is just my life. that i should stop being surprised when things take an unexpected turn, just because they do, with no particular reason at all. i had a decision to make, it was pretty straight forward. i was done with the old one- still loved it with all my heart but it wasn't working for me anymore- and looking forward for a new one, which i managed to get not long from the time i started wishing for it, and i was extremely grateful for that. the decision to toss the old one was hard. i've spent most of my life with it for the past two years, it IS my life. but the new one is very tempting and it would bring a much needed change; i was getting tired of the pattern of the old one, or rather, the lack of pattern. but in the end i decided to go for it. and i was like "wow, this is pretty simple. want sth, wish for it, got it. tadaa.." a few days went by without any interruption. my head was filled with images of the new one and how my life would change after i start with it. then i started feeling anxious. suddenly i thought, "wait a minute, is this real? is it some kind of joke? this is not normal. my decision making cannot be this simple. it's just not me, and just not my life to have things simply given to me without much issue or conflict." and then starts the suspense. it's like tiptoeing in the jungle, anticipating for the tiger to pounce on you at any moment. and it really kills the excitement. i even tried to force myself back to 'excited' stage, thinking i have this psychological condition, for which i am not even sure there's a term for. so, there i was, convinced that i was some kind of psychology-handicap, screaming in my brain "what is wrong with u, sarah? can't you just accept it and be thankful? why do you have to analyze every little detail and drive yourself nuts??" at one point i didn't know what i was upset about; the fact that i am mentally abnormal, or that something will surely go wrong i just don't know what or when. one week went by peacefully. i was beginning to be hopeful. maybe for once, just for once, it will go smoothly. enter the following week and then... i received a call. sth about the old one, offering me what i have always wanted, what i have been wishing for for the past one year. it's like a dream come true and then some. but things are different now. things have changed. i had to consider if it is still the best of my interest to stick with the old one. i put down the phone and let out a heavy sigh... so i am not crazy after all. it's true that a simple straight path is not my way. it may be for others, but not for me. me anticipating something will happen that will shake the calm, was not a mental illness, that was me being realistic of the facts of my life. there. i only realized that after 26 years of living on this planet. after 3 days of thinking i called the number that called me back. to listen to the plan again, at least this time with a more rational mind, plus i've given it some thought and i get to ask where things are not clear. the last time we talked i was so surprised i could hardly utter a response. the voice at the other end kept persuading me to take the offer. i was hesitant. i honestly have grown tired of the old one n was really looking forward to the new one. well, the new one isn't really what i wanted but i have always thought, why not? try sth new and i can always go back to what i want. get a fresh environment. but when it is something that you have always wanted, and you always wished for, that is offered to you, it really is not easy saying no, even though i have given up hope on it ever happening. and i kept thinking, why now? why now when things have changed? why now when i have a good offer in my hands? why now when things has become difficult for me to stick to the old one, so complicated i wasn't sure i have the strength to even keep standing until time runs out, let alone run to the finishing line.. two weeks of sleepless nights brought me to my decision. lets start fresh. let it go. if it were meant to be, there will be other chances, other opportunities, perhaps better ones.

thank you very very much to all of you who sent me a wish.
thank you to my dear aunt for the lisbon trip.
thank you to my beloved bf for the Tiffany Blue Box®, yet again. i'll never get tired nor bored of those adorable boxes, especially the shiny stuff inside them. :)
thank you to my bubbly little sister for the spa treat. not sure when i'll go but i will when i have time.
thank you to my darling best friend for the box of benefit goodies.

You Make Me Sick

There is one thing that I fail to understand. What's with people telling the whole world about their ibadah? Bukankah lebih afdhal buat ibadat diam-diam, sendiri-sendiri, tak perlu tak cakap pada orang. Solat tahajud ke, tadarus ke, puasa sunat ke, anything! You keep them to yourself. You don't broadcast these things to people. If you really want to do it, sincerely want to perform ibadah, you don't post them for all the world to see. Why is there the need to tell? Is it some sick psychotic need of theirs to have people know and acknowledge how religious they are? Or is it that they are fishing for compliments for being so pious? That is a kind of mental sickness too, you know.

And it's funny because these people tend to be the first to judge other people's morality. Just thinking of it makes me sick to the stomach and it really makes me wanna puke. Hey! You are fasting, praying, whatever. Great! Good for you. Now try shutting up. Keep it to yourself, won't you? Your relationship with God is your business. Seriously. Nobody else should know. There are so many more people out there who do so much more than what you are doing, and they don't talk about it. Because they sincerely do it with all their heart. Not for show.

Gosh. Seriously. Sickening.

The Memories

It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss someone until you find yourself keep looking at the same pictures over and over again. They are the same photos, same album, same folder, and yet, every time you look at them a smile would spread across your face, and sometimes a small laugh, as the pictures take you back to those places, those memories.. The jokes, the laughs, the thoughts shared together, the expressions on each others' faces... They all make up the whole entire album. Behind each photo lies thousands of uncaptured keepsakes, all that would come rushing back to the memory as the picture came to view. You find yourself longing for those moments where nothing else matters. There are times you could sit and stare at one picture forever, as one after another wave of recollections come bashing at your thoughts. You could tell the story to someone, just to share, because those memories have been unintentionally summoned and they just won't go away. But people won't understand. They smile, they laugh when it gets to the funny part, and sometimes they just nod a couple of times as a nice gesture, for those memories that they do not share, they do not appreciate. You get lost in the memories as the words flow from your mouth, your face animated with excitements, but those who would truly treasure those memories as much as you do are just too far away to share those precious thoughts.. And you find yourself back in reality, apologizing to your companion for getting carried away, and you keep the rest of the story to yourself, swallow back those words that was about to escape your mouth just a few miliseconds before you were snapped and forced to return to the present. As you lie your head to sleep, they come haunting you again, keeping you awake till the wee hours of the morning, leaving you with an incomprehensible longing...

dear, oh dear

oh dear, i never thought i would do this, but... here we go...

i wish when people choose to say they are over someone, they know for sure they are really over him/her. an ex, to be exact. i know i can write about this because i went through a bad breakup too a few years ago, actually, many years ago, and it's all in the past. i have put it behind me and i do not wish to carry it with me ever again. i appreciate the experience, made me the person i am today. and i learned a lot from it.
anyway, being over a relationship, or being over someone, means it doesn't bother you what he/she did, is doing, or will do. the thought of them might come across your mind from time to time and perhaps there are times that you wonder what happened to them-that is if you don't keep in touch with them anymore. you stop being bitter about the past relationship, you hardly talk or even think about it anymore, you don't discuss it anymore, well yes, you do share the experience with someone when the situation is appropriate, but not talk about him/her per se, and most importantly, when u SAY you are over that person or that relationship, you stop bitching about it. the point is, you let go. you don't go around saying "that loser ex-bf of mine did this", or "that jerk did this, that idiot said that". i mean, come on! enough already. especially when that relationship has been over for 6 or 7 years. seriously. don't you feel pathetic? it's pathetic enough that you are still talking and bitching about it/him, to make matters worse you actually do it in public-blog about it. don't get me wrong, i'm all about freedom of speech. yeah, it's your blog, you do what you want with it, you write what you want. true. agreed. and i'm not about to start a catfight, or a verbal war or whatever. i am way above that. however, have some dignity, won't you? once and for all, let go. and this time for real. you keep bragging about how you've moved on, how you're so over it. but, obviously, you're not. it is sad, seriously. or should i say, grow up. it's about time, don't you think?

*i think H won't be so pleased when he reads this but it really got on my nerve this time. sorry hons.

0110hrs, Jan 15, The Hague, irritated as hell.

Pudding & Cereal

Hello... By now it should be quite obvious to everyone that I have pretty much nothing to do here. Hehe.. Our traveling or any activities at all would be done on the weekends since my aunt will be working the rest of the week. So on weekdays I do anything I like. Yesterday I went jalan-jalan kat pekan The Hague. Anyway, since I have a lot of free time, I fill most of them with, of course, eating. Ngeee... And these are the stuffs I've been stuffing my face with :

Ini adalah berbagai jenis pudding yg saya makan hari-hari. ;)

Trio (triple flavour=vanilla+choc+whipped cream) & choc mousse

Stroopwaffle (syrup waffle) & duo (double falvour=whipped cream+choc)

Stroopwaffle & duo!!

These are the stuffs I gobble every morning! :)

I'll be back with more uninteresting updates!!! Hahahaa... Tata!

*Missing H badly..

2243 hrs, Jan 13, The Hague

Hello Mr & Mrs Snow

So, as I've said before, it has been snowing. At one point it was snowing quite heavily, so we went outside and took some pictures. (ye ye agak jakun saya tau.) Anyway, here are some pictures!

Kat depan rumah.

Tgk coop!!! Kesian coop kesejukan. Hehe..

Kat depan rumah lagi. Sumer pon depan rumah la.

Sebenarnye lebat, but it wasn't captured on camera.

So, til then, ciào!


0913 hrs, Jan 11, The Hague.

I'm in Den Haag

Hey people! I safely arrived in Schipol Airport at 0630 hrs yesterday. It has been snowing in The Hague and it still is. Very extremely cold.. I had my first trip to Albert Heijn yesterday evening. Bought tonnes n tonnes of pudding!!! Setap! Hehe.. Let the journey begin.. My adventure (or not) here shall start now til the last of my 90-day stay here. I'll stop by with updates as i along. Aite peeps, happy sunday!!

1055 hrs, The Hague.