wishing upon a star...

my wish list:

1) domino's pizza with -hmo-

2) a new handbag

3) more time with -hmo-

4) to wake up by H's side and make pancakes for our breakfast

5) to lose weight so that i will fit nicely into my swimsuit again n go swimming with -hmo-

6) a holiday trip with -hmo-

7) baby 'N'

8) a new book - preferably by neil gaiman

9) to go to a park early in the morning and sit there with H, each with a book to just sit and read in silence

10) gummy bears


i think i miss my bf. :(

life

life.....sucks.....

two-five

I think I’m ready to write my birthday blog now. I’m 25. I have learned that I’m not ordinary. I have found that I’m not really as plain and ordinary as I have always thought I am. There are places that I can be more than ordinary at. When I’m at work I’m more than average. I’m good at what I do. I’ve just realized that being more than average means there’s a chance you live in a lonely world. I was ecstatic to be great at something that for quite some time I failed to notice that one of the sacrifices one has to make in order to be great is companionship. I have always held on to this : In order to achieve greatness, you must sacrifice a great deal too. But if you sacrifice moderately then you only get something mediocre in return. Little that I know the success at the end of the day won’t get to be shared with many people. It’s a lonely world that the great ones live in. I learned that not many people understand what it takes to be more than ordinary. And throughout the journey there’s a lot of explaining to do and even after the explaining not all of them will understand. Some just refuse to. That’s where you start losing the ones that matter. Not many understand that my job requires me to work long hours. The big reward has yet to come, but I’m on the right path. I will get there some day. I have full faith in that. But in order to get there, I have to spend a lot of my time on work, which means less time for friends and family and even the significant other. I don’t do those jobs that a lot of other people do where they go to work and back without much meaning nor satisfaction. The aim is the paycheck at the end of each month. Well, its not that I don’t care about the money that goes into my account, I just have other goals that are as important as the money that comes with it. Matters that come into account when deciding about life. Its difficult telling people I spend all those hours at work because I’m passionate about it. And that most of the time, I don’t mind the hours I have to spend on it. That there’s a part of me that is a little bit smug about having to go to work at 2am in the morning because it indicates my importance regarding the job. There is something fulfilling about completing my job a certain way with the certain quality. Being 25, I have also learned that being smart comes with a cost. You will be the source of envy of your colleagues. That the fact that you can come up with a solution to problems faster and better than the others means you are regarded by your superiors better, but there will always be at your workplace who refuse to acknowledge that, and they prefer to believe you’re in a better position simply because you were just picked to be the favourite. I earned my way there. I wasn’t placed at the top for no reason. I did my job well, therefore I gained the attention and respect from my superiors. So… is it my fault I was born smart?

fading away

i'm sad. i'm frustrated over a lot of things.. i guess that's what you call life. i haven't fogetten the fact that i haven't written my birthday blog yet.. i've been trying to. i haven't had much success. as usual i wanted the birthday blog to mean sth. i wanted it to be sth deep and meaningful. i couldn't get there. so, 2009, no two-five. anyway, life's hard, i know. but it is exhausting to be hit time and again like this. it's just like a bulletproof vest, the tougher you are, the more bullets it takes to take you down. *sigh. i'm fine. i'm just managing the bullets. they kept coming. i refuse to fall. i'm struggling to stand still. and they kept firing. it's just exhausting.. being strong is exhausting.
i wasn't born intelligent. i struggled through my studying years. but the moment i started working i knew i have found my calling. i'm good at my job. i'm very passionate about my work. i impress a lot of people with my capabilities at work. i got tonnes of compliments from people who matters. but it's funny that i feel like i'm losing out when i compare myself to some other people i know who doesn't even bother with big goals or high ambition, somehow they seem to be a step further. i'm left behind. i don't mean to offend but i seriously don't find much to respect in what they do. first of all they don't have anything specific in their mind of what they want to do. so they got a job that is related to their degree. fine. and then they compare themselves n their job with me and mine. oh, come on people. you just go to work everyday doing the same thing with no significance. do you even see yourself moving forward in 5 years? i doubt that. just one thing, they get paid more than i do, that's for sure. they get a head start in life. yes, rezeki Allah taala yg tentukan. i'm not being an ungrateful bitch. i'm just frustrated. that's all..
as tough as life goes, i know i'm blessed with one thing. a wonderful partner to share all these experience with. someone to grow up and to grow old with. someone whose kisses are sweet and whose hugs are warm. someone who always gives comfort regardless of situation. that's my blessing i know not many people have. he has his frustrations in life. i wish i could do sth to help. unfortunately it is out of my power.
sadness comes often lately. at times i cry myself to sleep. *sigh. i don't wanna be here anymore. somebody come take me away from this pit bottom. i'm tired of the darkness. i'm tired of searching in the dark. bring me back my light. take away this emptiness in my heart, please. i can only take so much.