two-six

only a month after the date that i manage to write this entry. and all the ideas are gone. i had a thought to jot them down, but i kept thinking, it's okay, i'll write the blog tomorrow, no need to jot. and then... as usual, tomorrow becomes the day after, day after becomes next week, next week becomes next month. and i can't remember what i had in mind exactly one month ago anymore.. :)
let's start with... becoming 26. something happened right after i turned 26, that made me realize i do not live an easy life, i am never granted the easy or the simple way, because that is just my life. that i should stop being surprised when things take an unexpected turn, just because they do, with no particular reason at all. i had a decision to make, it was pretty straight forward. i was done with the old one- still loved it with all my heart but it wasn't working for me anymore- and looking forward for a new one, which i managed to get not long from the time i started wishing for it, and i was extremely grateful for that. the decision to toss the old one was hard. i've spent most of my life with it for the past two years, it IS my life. but the new one is very tempting and it would bring a much needed change; i was getting tired of the pattern of the old one, or rather, the lack of pattern. but in the end i decided to go for it. and i was like "wow, this is pretty simple. want sth, wish for it, got it. tadaa.." a few days went by without any interruption. my head was filled with images of the new one and how my life would change after i start with it. then i started feeling anxious. suddenly i thought, "wait a minute, is this real? is it some kind of joke? this is not normal. my decision making cannot be this simple. it's just not me, and just not my life to have things simply given to me without much issue or conflict." and then starts the suspense. it's like tiptoeing in the jungle, anticipating for the tiger to pounce on you at any moment. and it really kills the excitement. i even tried to force myself back to 'excited' stage, thinking i have this psychological condition, for which i am not even sure there's a term for. so, there i was, convinced that i was some kind of psychology-handicap, screaming in my brain "what is wrong with u, sarah? can't you just accept it and be thankful? why do you have to analyze every little detail and drive yourself nuts??" at one point i didn't know what i was upset about; the fact that i am mentally abnormal, or that something will surely go wrong i just don't know what or when. one week went by peacefully. i was beginning to be hopeful. maybe for once, just for once, it will go smoothly. enter the following week and then... i received a call. sth about the old one, offering me what i have always wanted, what i have been wishing for for the past one year. it's like a dream come true and then some. but things are different now. things have changed. i had to consider if it is still the best of my interest to stick with the old one. i put down the phone and let out a heavy sigh... so i am not crazy after all. it's true that a simple straight path is not my way. it may be for others, but not for me. me anticipating something will happen that will shake the calm, was not a mental illness, that was me being realistic of the facts of my life. there. i only realized that after 26 years of living on this planet. after 3 days of thinking i called the number that called me back. to listen to the plan again, at least this time with a more rational mind, plus i've given it some thought and i get to ask where things are not clear. the last time we talked i was so surprised i could hardly utter a response. the voice at the other end kept persuading me to take the offer. i was hesitant. i honestly have grown tired of the old one n was really looking forward to the new one. well, the new one isn't really what i wanted but i have always thought, why not? try sth new and i can always go back to what i want. get a fresh environment. but when it is something that you have always wanted, and you always wished for, that is offered to you, it really is not easy saying no, even though i have given up hope on it ever happening. and i kept thinking, why now? why now when things have changed? why now when i have a good offer in my hands? why now when things has become difficult for me to stick to the old one, so complicated i wasn't sure i have the strength to even keep standing until time runs out, let alone run to the finishing line.. two weeks of sleepless nights brought me to my decision. lets start fresh. let it go. if it were meant to be, there will be other chances, other opportunities, perhaps better ones.

thank you very very much to all of you who sent me a wish.
thank you to my dear aunt for the lisbon trip.
thank you to my beloved bf for the Tiffany Blue Box®, yet again. i'll never get tired nor bored of those adorable boxes, especially the shiny stuff inside them. :)
thank you to my bubbly little sister for the spa treat. not sure when i'll go but i will when i have time.
thank you to my darling best friend for the box of benefit goodies.

You Make Me Sick

There is one thing that I fail to understand. What's with people telling the whole world about their ibadah? Bukankah lebih afdhal buat ibadat diam-diam, sendiri-sendiri, tak perlu tak cakap pada orang. Solat tahajud ke, tadarus ke, puasa sunat ke, anything! You keep them to yourself. You don't broadcast these things to people. If you really want to do it, sincerely want to perform ibadah, you don't post them for all the world to see. Why is there the need to tell? Is it some sick psychotic need of theirs to have people know and acknowledge how religious they are? Or is it that they are fishing for compliments for being so pious? That is a kind of mental sickness too, you know.

And it's funny because these people tend to be the first to judge other people's morality. Just thinking of it makes me sick to the stomach and it really makes me wanna puke. Hey! You are fasting, praying, whatever. Great! Good for you. Now try shutting up. Keep it to yourself, won't you? Your relationship with God is your business. Seriously. Nobody else should know. There are so many more people out there who do so much more than what you are doing, and they don't talk about it. Because they sincerely do it with all their heart. Not for show.

Gosh. Seriously. Sickening.

The Memories

It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss someone until you find yourself keep looking at the same pictures over and over again. They are the same photos, same album, same folder, and yet, every time you look at them a smile would spread across your face, and sometimes a small laugh, as the pictures take you back to those places, those memories.. The jokes, the laughs, the thoughts shared together, the expressions on each others' faces... They all make up the whole entire album. Behind each photo lies thousands of uncaptured keepsakes, all that would come rushing back to the memory as the picture came to view. You find yourself longing for those moments where nothing else matters. There are times you could sit and stare at one picture forever, as one after another wave of recollections come bashing at your thoughts. You could tell the story to someone, just to share, because those memories have been unintentionally summoned and they just won't go away. But people won't understand. They smile, they laugh when it gets to the funny part, and sometimes they just nod a couple of times as a nice gesture, for those memories that they do not share, they do not appreciate. You get lost in the memories as the words flow from your mouth, your face animated with excitements, but those who would truly treasure those memories as much as you do are just too far away to share those precious thoughts.. And you find yourself back in reality, apologizing to your companion for getting carried away, and you keep the rest of the story to yourself, swallow back those words that was about to escape your mouth just a few miliseconds before you were snapped and forced to return to the present. As you lie your head to sleep, they come haunting you again, keeping you awake till the wee hours of the morning, leaving you with an incomprehensible longing...

dear, oh dear

oh dear, i never thought i would do this, but... here we go...

i wish when people choose to say they are over someone, they know for sure they are really over him/her. an ex, to be exact. i know i can write about this because i went through a bad breakup too a few years ago, actually, many years ago, and it's all in the past. i have put it behind me and i do not wish to carry it with me ever again. i appreciate the experience, made me the person i am today. and i learned a lot from it.
anyway, being over a relationship, or being over someone, means it doesn't bother you what he/she did, is doing, or will do. the thought of them might come across your mind from time to time and perhaps there are times that you wonder what happened to them-that is if you don't keep in touch with them anymore. you stop being bitter about the past relationship, you hardly talk or even think about it anymore, you don't discuss it anymore, well yes, you do share the experience with someone when the situation is appropriate, but not talk about him/her per se, and most importantly, when u SAY you are over that person or that relationship, you stop bitching about it. the point is, you let go. you don't go around saying "that loser ex-bf of mine did this", or "that jerk did this, that idiot said that". i mean, come on! enough already. especially when that relationship has been over for 6 or 7 years. seriously. don't you feel pathetic? it's pathetic enough that you are still talking and bitching about it/him, to make matters worse you actually do it in public-blog about it. don't get me wrong, i'm all about freedom of speech. yeah, it's your blog, you do what you want with it, you write what you want. true. agreed. and i'm not about to start a catfight, or a verbal war or whatever. i am way above that. however, have some dignity, won't you? once and for all, let go. and this time for real. you keep bragging about how you've moved on, how you're so over it. but, obviously, you're not. it is sad, seriously. or should i say, grow up. it's about time, don't you think?

*i think H won't be so pleased when he reads this but it really got on my nerve this time. sorry hons.

0110hrs, Jan 15, The Hague, irritated as hell.

Pudding & Cereal

Hello... By now it should be quite obvious to everyone that I have pretty much nothing to do here. Hehe.. Our traveling or any activities at all would be done on the weekends since my aunt will be working the rest of the week. So on weekdays I do anything I like. Yesterday I went jalan-jalan kat pekan The Hague. Anyway, since I have a lot of free time, I fill most of them with, of course, eating. Ngeee... And these are the stuffs I've been stuffing my face with :

Ini adalah berbagai jenis pudding yg saya makan hari-hari. ;)

Trio (triple flavour=vanilla+choc+whipped cream) & choc mousse

Stroopwaffle (syrup waffle) & duo (double falvour=whipped cream+choc)

Stroopwaffle & duo!!

These are the stuffs I gobble every morning! :)

I'll be back with more uninteresting updates!!! Hahahaa... Tata!

*Missing H badly..

2243 hrs, Jan 13, The Hague

Hello Mr & Mrs Snow

So, as I've said before, it has been snowing. At one point it was snowing quite heavily, so we went outside and took some pictures. (ye ye agak jakun saya tau.) Anyway, here are some pictures!

Kat depan rumah.

Tgk coop!!! Kesian coop kesejukan. Hehe..

Kat depan rumah lagi. Sumer pon depan rumah la.

Sebenarnye lebat, but it wasn't captured on camera.

So, til then, ciào!


0913 hrs, Jan 11, The Hague.

I'm in Den Haag

Hey people! I safely arrived in Schipol Airport at 0630 hrs yesterday. It has been snowing in The Hague and it still is. Very extremely cold.. I had my first trip to Albert Heijn yesterday evening. Bought tonnes n tonnes of pudding!!! Setap! Hehe.. Let the journey begin.. My adventure (or not) here shall start now til the last of my 90-day stay here. I'll stop by with updates as i along. Aite peeps, happy sunday!!

1055 hrs, The Hague.