Mahal

Aku frust, bila bercakap tentang daycare Po, semuanya akan berbalik pada - "mahal". Hal aku mandikan Po pagi-pagi sebelum hantar pasti, without fail, akan berbalik pada issue mahal.

Comments/remark/respond: 

"Bayar mahal-mahal pun kena mandikan pagi ke?"
"Ieee caj mahal-mahal pun pagi kena mandikan sendiri"
"Tu la.. nursery mahal mcm mana pun.. sama je" (with regards to mandi jugak lah)

The thing is, aku bukan bagi tahu pukul canang pada semua orang. Orang yang tanya.

Q: Pagi-pagi diorang mandikan la eh?
A: Oh tak sarah mandikan dulu sebelum hantar..
 

Q: Pagi mandi kat rumah? Kenapa mandikan? Diorang tak mandikan ke?
A: Ok je penah je hantar tak mandi tapi dorg mandikan lain la.. Cepat2..so dia nangis.. Sebab biasa ibu dia mandikan lembut-lembut, sembang nyanyi-nyanyi.. Dia happy.. Kat daycare diorang banyak lagi keje lain, baby lain lagi nak mandi tak dan la nak leisure2 mcm tu.. (which i completely understand btw)
 

Selepas soalan-soalan begini akan keluarlah statement-statement seperti di atas tu.

Why? Kenapa perlu judge? Kenapa perlu question?

It's funny nobody ever asked if I chose to bathe her, everybody just assumed I had to, and it is a burden.
 

Jawapan yang paling jujur adalah - I bathe her every single morning because I really treasure those moments. And it makes leaving her a tiny bit easier, knowing that she's had an enjoyable bathtime with ibu, followed by a feeding session that she latched directly and in those moments the world is a warm and safe place and she's happy. Before she had to face reality - that she has to stay at the daycare for the rest of the day because ibu has to go to work. I don't get much time with her during the week, that morning bath is the only time we get to spend quality time together and I'd like to do that as much as I possibly can, as long as I can.
 

Mungkin akan datang masanya where I just cannot afford to do it anymore - no time, too tired, too busy, etc. So while I still can, I will try my best to do it.

Or even if I will always have the time to do it, akan sampai satu masa I will not be able to - because come one day I will need to slowly let her grow up. She needs to learn to do things on her own and at that time it will be selfish for me to keep doing things for her, for i will not be around forever and she needs to learn to be independent, for her own sake, for her own future, to prepare for harsh real life.
 

But i cannot simply give this answer, sebab even though I couldn't care less whether or not other people bathe their kids, with this answer ada orang yang akan terasa I'm implying that they don't treasure time with their kids as much as I do. So I refrain myself from telling people.

So at the end of the day, I get judged, and I am also the one who has to be careful with my words not to hurt other people's feelings. Most of the time I just smile and try to walk away as quickly as possible.

Memang betul, hantar anak ke daycare mahal macam mana pun macam tu jugak treatment. Setuju.

Tapi it goes back to the reason of sending your child to such places. Perlu faham hantar ke tempat yang mahal itu doesn't mean the child gets the same care as he or she does at home or with other family members. Pasti lain. Orang asing jaga, dah tentu lain dari parents sendiri atau atuk/nenek/makcik pakcik sendiri yang jaga. Stranger yang dibayar upah compared to darah daging sendiri. It's a no brainer - of course lain. Harus realistic dengan expectation. Mereka dibayar mahal bukan sebagai replacement kepada parents. However, with such daycare, I do not have to worry about them tak menang tangan- sebab ratio caregiver to kids memang di jaga. I don't worry about them tinggalkan baby yang kecik and helpless sorang-sorang sendal botol susu dgn bantal. They are qualified, some are nurses yang tahu first aid. Aku tak risau bila dia sakit and perlu diberi ubat, because the nurses know how to administer medication for infants. Pesan saja ada ubat. Mereka boleh baca instruction and label. Tak risau salah administer ubat, tak risau salah dosage. Memanglah orang yang jaga budak dekat rumah pun bukan buta huruf, but to me, tak sama dgn orang2 yg qualified. Plus my child is there 5 days a week, morning to evening, 2 hari di rumah tak cukup untuk ajar dia macam2 and keep up with her development milestones and these people can take over that task with their early childhood development qualification; dan bukan pekerja asing, immigrants buta huruf yang menjaga.

On top of that they have a rule, sick kids cannot be sent. Parents perlu cuti or make other arrangements. Memang inconvenient bila anak kita yang sakit, but we are also at ease knowing that when other kids are sick, anak kita tak akan tak tentu pasal berjangkit. That is a fair arrangment in my opinion. Unlike some other places memang accept all the time sick or healthy, parents senang tak perlu ambik cuti tinggalkan kerja, tapi budak2 lain macam mana? Yang sakit tu quarantine pun tak. Habis berjangkit. For me I would rather have to take EL every few months dari have my child sakit every month sebab asik je berjangkit.

Juga perlu faham apa sebab hantar di tempat yang mahal tu, bukan sebab trend, bukan sebab gah cerita dgn orang "Anak i daycare RMxxx sebulan"- tak pernah willingly offer that information kalau orang tak minta, and mahal bukan simply suka-suka letak harga- I do believe the price is justified, hantar di situ sebab like all parents I want the best for my child. I do everything to the best of my ability, the most that I can afford. Semua parents macam tu kan? Jadi tak payah la judge, tak perlu la bagi cynical comments.

Memang betul ada tempat jauh lebih murah, tapi bila anak sakit je setiap bulan, berbaloikah? Yang jadi di putrajaya recently, 30++ kids dgn 2 orang penjaga sahaja, baby meninggal di taksa.. Bila anak dah tiada, berbaloikah? For some, itu lah kadar kemampuannya. Nak buat macam mana, itulah yang terbaik they can afford. For me, inilah yg terbaik that I can afford. If i chose to go with a cheaper place, tapi jadi apa-apa, ralat nanti sampai bila-bila. Quality penjagaan macam mana? Diaper ditukar ikut waktu ke tidak, atau baby berak di biarkan berjam-jam dalam diaper kotor tu? Sekurang-kurangnya tempat Po duduk ni ada written record - pukul berapa salin, pukul berapa susu, bila mandi. In our current situation, so far alhamdulillah ok, but if anything were to happen at least I know I have given her the best that I could, chosen for her the best place I can afford, place her with the best people I can find, short of quitting my job and taking care of her myself.
Hearing these kind of comments even after Po has been going to that daycare for 3 months made me feel so dejected. I was like, *sigh..Tak habis-habis lagi ke hal harga daycare Po ni? Sampai bila nak kena endure remark-remark macam ni..?

Those who have family members to care for their child, those who manage to find trustable people to take care of their child with way cheaper charges, good for you. Bersyukurlah anda tak perlu allocate banyak-banyak budget monthly untuk daycare. But for us the less fortunate, yang tak ada pilihan lain melainkan serahkan tanggungjawab itu pada strangers, kami terpaksa pilih what we believe is the best and if that means paying an expensive fee we force ourselves to fork that money out.

Having A Baby - The Choices That Matter

Just like other things in life, there are bound to be hits and misses. The same goes to the choices I made, and I've certainly learned a lot.

1) The Life partner

Although there is nothing you can do about who you chose since you've already made your choice and made your vows; if you haven't conceived at least you can make an informed decision of whether or not to have kid(s). Be realistic. I'm a skeptic- i don't believe people will change for anyone else; people will only change if they want to, themselves. So ask yourself and answer truthfully about the partner you have so that if you decide you want kids you go in prepared. If your partner has no interest in having kids, most likely you will have to do everything yourself with regards to childbearing. If your partner does not at all want kids, bear in mind all the stress after having one can even break you two apart. If he is very enthusiastic about having kids, he still might not be able to help much in terms of caring for the baby, especially when they are still small (some men cannot get over the fragility of babies) but often these type are very supportive- bear in mind support is very crucial especially when the child is an infant, it means a great deal. So it is still a big advantage to have a supportive partner). The list goes on.....and on. And IF you're not cut out for having kids, know that it does not in any way make you less of a person, less of a human, less affectionate. These are the choices we make; with OUR life.

2)  The breast pump

I never stop feeling grateful that I chose to buy my breast pump, even though at the time I made the purchase I didn't even know that it will be a perfect hit, a bulls-eye. If you're planning on breastfeeding, especially if exclusively, the pump matters. I went for Medela Swing Maxi, would have gone for Freestyle if it weren't too damn expensive but to this day I know I made the right choice. :)

I've seen several Swing Maxi - Freestyle comparison, but most of them only mention features which based on my experience didn't help much since the model comparison is available in a neat table on Medela's website (Medela UK - 2-phase expression brochure). I've never used Freestyle but I managed to see it in action real-time as my elder sister uses it and our confinement period actually overlapped.

First - why I chose Medela : 2 main reason

i. The 2-phase expression - reading on it got me hooked, after using the pump I understood how effective it is and it made the whole difference. I've tried one without it, not the same. Simply put, if I ever had to buy a new pump, I will again go for one with this feature.

ii. The size - After deciding that I was going to get a double-pump, Medela's models (Freestyle and Swing Maxi) I thought provides the most convenience - size & weight wise

In a nutshell, FS and SM has equal motor power but FM has value-added features that in my opinion are useful to have, but doable without.

Product features with personal views:

a. Weight|Size - SM (220 g without batteries | 12 × 13 × 5.7 cm) || FS (370 g incl. rechargeable battery | 12 × 9 × 5.8 cm)

Size doesn't differ that much.

Weight - SM has 2 power options - adapter or (6X)AAA batteries while FS is on rechargeable battery. I went to weigh the 6 AAA battery I have in my breast pump bag :: 68g, which means either on adapter or battery SM is lighter (220g/~288g). Then again the difference is only approximately 100g so I don't think it makes that much difference.

Weight/size usually comes into consideration if you are planning on exclusively breastfeeding which means you will carry the pump here 'n there and everywhere.

b. Memory function - SM (X), FS (0)

With FS, you do not have to set the speed to your comfort every single time you pump because it "remembers" your setting, which is not the case for SM. With SM, when you switch it on it starts at the default level and you have to change it at every single use, unless your setting is the default one; then you're good. :) As there are 2 phases, you'll have to set it the the start of both phases.

This never bothered me. It does not create any inconvenience at all, to me. I sit down, press the ON button then (with the same finger) press the (-) button. Done. Let-down phase, press let-down button (or after 2 minutes it switches to let-down mode automatically) just press (-) again. Since you're either sitting down or only doing light chores while pumping this shouldn't be much of an issue.

c. Backlit digital display - SM (X), FS (0)

The digital display on FM shows Main power/battery indicator; Stimulation/Expression phase indicator; Timer; and Memory "on" indicator.

Main power/battery indicator - You can easily tell whether pump is plugged in, or of it's running on battery only.

Stimulation/Expression phase indicator - Within the first few times of using, you'd be able to tell which phase you're in without even checking. SM does have this indication by the way - the LED will flash (blinking) indicating you're in Stimulation mode.

Timer - convenient; but my personal experience, I'm always either in front of the laptop or at least have the phone with me - to kill time. Timing the pumping session is never a problem. Look at the time when you start, and calculate when you'll finish. If you have to be THAT precise you can always use a timer app on your phone.
Memory indicator - SM doesn't have memory function. :|

d. Timer - as above.

e. Battery option - FM rechargeable battery - 3 hours pumping time, SM 6XAAA battery - 1 hour of pumping time.

Based on personal experience, the 6XAAA battery lasted at least (if not more than) 3 hours - used approximately 20 minutes per session. I suppose it depends on the level of suction you use, higher level needs more power which uses up the battery faster.

f. Hands-free - SM (0), FM (0)

Both has the option of being hands-free. FM set comes with the hands-free kit; with SM you need to buy it separately, should you decide you need it. Retails at a ridiculous price of RM388, but you can get it from personal online seller much cheaper (I got mine at RM130). Or if you know somebody staying in the US you can ask them to buy it for you. It retails in US @ USD35. Makes one really wonder what are they charging Malaysian customer RM388 for. Pfft..

My sister got herself FM, tried on the hands-free kit once and never touched it again. I bought SM, and then went and got the hands-free kit - I can't imagine life without it. I use it every single time I pump ever since I got it.

I pump at work, 3 times a day. My pumping session lasts at least 20 mins, getting the equipment ready before and packing up after takes about 10 mins total. The first session in the morning always takes longer as I have more milk accumulated throughout the night. Without the hands-free kit i was taking at least 3 30 minutes break. Then I have my lunch and prayer break. The total break time just doesn't make sense. So I got the kit and I can work while pumping. I don't have to rush.. I just put it on, switch on and work. If I'm in the middle of something e.g writing an email, when pumping session ends I simply switch it off, finish what I'm doing, then only take it off and proceed with packing up. I would not at all have been able to commit if it weren't for the hands-free kit.

Oh you can also get the hands-free bra, but I thought if I need to have this option at all times it means i have to be in the hands-free bra ALL the time. It's not practical in my case, especially with the (very expensive) price of the bra.

 
g. Power options - SM (adapter/AAA), FM (rechargeable)

This depends on how mobile you want/need to be while pumping. If you're most of the time sitting down, SM being on adapter will not bother you. For the occasional time you want to be mobile just use the AAA battery. I always have the batteries in my breastpump bag, just in case. I have a nursing room at work - a room with cubicles where nursing mothers have the exact same desk they have at their place with LAN port and multiple power socket. Power source is not a problem for me so most of the time I pump using the adapter. 

.......................................................................................................

Both models are electric double-pump, with 2-phase expression. Both models use the exact same type of connectors (breastshield base, membrane, and cap).

Of course at the end it boils down to price, Swing Maxi is much cheaper. So again, for me, Freestyle's extra features are useful to have but I never felt I was missing much without them.

3) The sterilizer

There are many methods of sterilizing your baby's equipments - microwave sterilizer bags, sterilizing tablets or the steamer sterilizer. I went with the steamer, and here's the thing about that thing.. Hehe..

If you're breastfeeding and both pumping and bottle feeding, that means you'll have nursing bottles and breast pump parts to sterilize - daily. Preferably with one go. The small one will never fit. The bigger one.. maybe, maybe not. But if you go for the higher-capacity one at least you stand a higher chance. My case, I planned to get the Little Bean's model that comes with the warmer - it is slightly bigger (than the smallest one; there's another model, which retails at RM199 I think that one has largest capacity) and fits my budget. Unfortunately I did not mention this to my sister who kind-heartedly offered to get it for me while she's at a baby fair. She went and got me the small one. Didn't bother me at all while I was in my maternity leave and baby was latching directly. But once I went back to work and baby went to daycare, I had between 4-6 nursing bottles plus pump parts to sterilize. Sterilizing had to be done in 2 batches. (Hubby took over cleaning and sterilizing starting from second week so it wasn't exactly MY problem anymore but I really pitied him). So I bought another sterilizer, the slightly bigger one. It won't fit everything either but at least now we have two. We use both. Goal achieved - all sterilizing done in one go. Good enough. If anyone were to ask me I'd say go get the biggest, highest-capacity one you can find.

4) The dryer

When I started pumping at work, it drove me crazy wiping dry all the breastpump parts every morning so I bought a dish dryer. After everything is sterilized, they go into the dryer. Breast pump parts dry after 30 mins, bottles take about 60 mins to dry. I got back a bit of my sanity. This is a big deal for me. May not bother others so much. I tried looking for a small dryer made for this particular purpose, but I couldn't find one at that time so I went with a dish dryer. Not long after I bought it I found out that MY DEAR makes a device with both sterilizer+dryer function. Right after sterilizing it will switch to drying mode. Would have gone for this one had I known. 

To be continued if more comes to mind. For now, these are the choices that mattered to me.

Cheers!

Things I learned after giving birth..

1) There are things such as a difficult and easy baby.
I've heard of this and acknowledged that there are such a thing I've just never imagined what "difficult" in this context really means. NOW I do. It doesn't make me love mine any less, though.

2) Tuning out what people around you say is an acquired skill
Every baby is different. And yes there are best practices for EVERYTHING, but it doesn't always work with your (read: my) baby. 

Case 1: Babies should be trained to sleep in noise, especially during the day to get them accustomed to their surroundings and so that it will not drive everyone else crazy having to tiptoe around the house. True. Agreed. Absolutely makes sense. You managed to train your baby to sleep in the noisiest environment; good for you. However, there are such things as a fussy and difficult baby, like mine, who up to the age of 2 months was spending most of her waking hour crying. She cries the moment she opens her eyes, she cries at bathtime, she cries during every diaper change. She cries at night because she is being forced to sleep when she has already had enough sleep during the day. I was surviving on toast and bananas as it is. Even the toasts i made sometimes did not make it to the stomach because she woke up right when the toaster rings. Shower means skin touching soap and water; done. You wanna talk about training her to sleep in the noise? Which would mean at least several occasion of being woken up by the noise before she actually gets used to it? That is, if she does eventually get used to it. If she doesn't it would all be a wasted effort. A wasted HUGE effort.

Case 2: Babies who cry for no reason might be crying because their name doesn't suit them and therefore should be changed. Ok, first of all if you're talking about having to change the name officially and permanently, fine. It is crazier but at least to me it makes more sense than just changing her nickname where this phase will eventually pass and we can return to calling her real name but in most cases by then the other name would have stuck. Seriously? I can accept radical measures; with supporting fact. It can be either scientific or religious. If scientific, give me the data; if religious give me proof (a.k.a Dalil). With this thing, scientifically of course there's nothing. But the ustaz at the surau my father frequents told my father that the baby's name needs to be changed. Propose a few names and he will help choose. My parents although while when we were growing up thought this is nonsense, when it came to my baby they thought it is among the things that should be tried as in, usaha. I even had one chat session with my mom saying, "...cuba dengar nasihat orang tua skali skala. Ustaz pun nasihat macam ni jugak.." I was like..ok..I'm seriously ok with all nasihat that makes sense because most of the time I know it makes sense only that I don't feel like following. Heh. ;p My problem with this one is, first and most importantly it is not mentioned in the Quran, nor any hadith, it is also not the prophet's sunnah. Even the alim ulama' differs in opinion in this matter with most of them disagreeing. Most said as long as the name doesn't have a bad meaning, it should stay. Po's name not only doesn't mean anything bad, it actually has a very good meaning. So it STAYS.

3) Even if you manage to get back into shape very quickly, if you are breastfeeding chances are you won't be able to get back into your old tops.
This one, seriously, I wish I had known before delivery. At least I could have done some shopping. I had NO idea. My sister and I, thankfully, are blessed with good genes when it comes to losing pregnancy weight. All my worries about it pre-birth quickly disappears soon after. So I thought yeay I don't have to worry about clothes, lets unpack all the boxes and bring out pre-pregnancy clothes!!! Oh how wrong I was. First, even though other areas fit, the chest part wont (breastfeeding, remember?). So I am left with a few tops that used to be worn loose; they now just about fit but ok at least they fit. Then out of those few that fits, not all are breastfeeding friendly. Some can't simply be unbuttoned or lifted, some too fancy schmancy it would even bother the baby. So I end up wearing the same couple of tops over and over again as shopping trips were out of the question in the first few months. Pants are fine by the way.

4) The ability to laugh at things is one of life's greatest gift.
For at least the first few weeks your body will look like an alien experiment gone wrong; your nipples are sore, they bleed, they hurt like hell; the breastpump plus the hands-free kit attached to your boobs make you look like you just came out of the terminator movie; and the list goes on.. Feeling good let alone sexy is not possible. But the fact that you can make jokes and laugh at yourself with your spouse, makes the whole thing more tolerable. It softens the blow.

• S: Nipple I haritu macam kena gigit tikus, skarg what with blisters and bleeding all dah macam kena gigit beruk ni. LOL
  H: LOL. Kita bela apa kat rumah tu? LOL.

• S: You jgn turun skarg.. I nak pump jap lagi ni, nanti dia nangis cemaner... (demo running like a chimpanzi with both hands guarding/balancing the pump attached to the breast)
  H: LOL!!! Macam tu la.. Robocop. LOL.

• S: Bee, bee, tgk ni. Peciuw peciuw.. (*laser gun sound, hands making the shooting gesture at the breast while pumping)
  H: Ok, now you're gonna give me nightmares. Hahaha..

Those are among them. :)

Young love

  She had her back to me. He planted a kiss on her cheek, a soft peck, while she was talking to another person. His eyes darted across as draw his face away from hers and he caught me looking. I supressed a smile. High-school kids; young love, I thought. How sweet. I remember being 17.
  H came with a tray loaded with our food. As we ate i found I couldn't really keep my eyes off them. The boy's eyes, I thought, was filled with love. Almost oblivious to life's harsh reality. He didn't talk much, just kept his soft gaze on her, occasionally, while eating. Young love, I thought again. She tilted her head a bit, she's Chinese, then i realized the rest at their table were Chinese, so I just simply assumed he's one of those Malay-looking Chinese boys.
  H was somewhat immersed in dinner, and I kept my thoughts occupied with my memories of high-school and love. It is nice, sometimes, to be right beside each other with our thoughts a million miles apart. It is comforting, to allow each other those moments.
  We were halfway through with our food when people at that table started to leave. He got up, waited for her to gather her things and took her hand in his. My heart melted again. I forced my eyes elsewhere for fear of being caught staring- again. When they were finally at the exit, i took a final glace, on the back of his jersey the name read - Haikal. Classic tale of a Malay boy falling in love with a Chinese girl. That, made it so much sweeter. We finished dinner, and I went home smiling. What i saw at dinner that night, made my day.

Dream a little dream..

On days that are very depressing, I sit and stare at the screen, and imagine myself baking in the tiny bakery that i often dream of..

S.

the fucking wedding

I said tak nak, means tak nak la. What's the problem with adults who don't get simple english or malay. Yang konon-konon wedding planner nye taste out. Bunga kaler biru la, nak buat backdrop kaler pink la.. Hallo! Tak cantik ok. Huduh tahu? Huduh.

I'm confused. Siapa yang kawen ni? Siapa yang bayar duit baju ni? Tuan yang bayar, yang nak pakai, have no say. What the hell? Macam ni sponsor la semua kalau nak final say for everything. Takkkk... I have to pay, tapi i have no say. Like fucking shit.

I DID NOT ask for a big wedding, DID NOT ask for one thousand guests, DID NOT ask for a fancy outfit. But funny, I have to pay. And I'm not even given the options to choose what I like.

The issue is not about what I want, because I don't have this picture in my head of a perfect wedding. In fact, I do not even have a wedding in my head. Then all of a sudden comes this elaborate stupid event that I cannot escape. WHAT.THE.HELL. The issue is about what I DO NOT want. I do not want a big freaking reception that i HATE. One that I will HATE for the rest of my life. The black dot in the history of my life.

I am seriously thinking of going M.I.A after the nikah.

That'll be fun. Escape all the craziness.

Maybe hell is even a better place than the wedding.

This IS hell.

Fuck.

E.M.O.S.I

I have just finished reading a post on a famous blog, and the blogger was talking about people's perception UiTM graduates and basically other university in Malaysia which are deemed "lower class universities." I do agree with what she said, how well a student do in university is not determined by which university the student attends, but the student's effort and attitude towards learning. Yes, true, correct.

She gave examples of obnoxious people from other universities can be. The part that I found funny is that those people who are so quick to give insults, are not really from that great of a university pon. Ada tutor from UKM cakap budak-budak UNIMAS slow. Come on la, kau kat UKM je, bukan tutor kat Yale pon. I have nothing against UKM graduates, or UPM's or UiTM's or any other local U for that matter. I just never really got over the fact that a lot of people from those places brag of being great. Aku attend my cousin's konvo kat UiTM. Satu sesi punye konvo ntah berapa ratus first class grad. Kat UM nak jumpa satu pon punye seksa. Memang bukan salah student, dah sistem U dia macam tu. Of course la bangga kan. Mak ayah yang attend pon bangga anak dia dpt first class honours. Tapi yang aku takleh digest bila kau grad UiTM dgn fist class, kau atau mak ayah kau kepoh. Kalau sekerat batch dapat, apa yang istimewa nye lagi? My best friend's little sister was a UPM's student. Sama faculty dgn kitorg cuma lain2 U. Dia dulu pernah la frust that adik beradik dia result gempak2. Result dia biasa2 je. Aku tau adik dia pandai. Ni nak sambung Phd kat US dapat scholarship. So most probably kalau dia dekat UM pon dia score jugak. Tapi my best friend penah bagitau, dia tengok exam questions adik dia for programming paper, soalan macam soalan tutorial kitorg je. Yang kitorg ni paper OOB kat lab, kau buat la program ko kat situ 3 jam. Tak boleh run, kau nganga. By the way, adik dia tak brag pon, i have nothing against her, just trying to prove a point. Tapi bila kitorg dah found out the fact that soalan exam dia mcm tu, kitorg pon dah jadi tak heran kalau dgr orang2 U lain result gempak2. Boleh la score kan kalau apa yang keluar kat tutuorial keluar dlm exam. Mungkin UM susah bagi orang yang tak pandai macam aku je la kan. Orang2 bijak takde masalah sgt. Kawan kakak aku dulu lepas grad dr UM sambung belajar and jadi tutor kat UTM. Lecturers kena pay attention, tutors pon kena always available utk student. Cuba kat UM, kau ketuk la pintu lecturer kau. Takkan ada yang jawab nye. Dorg kat dlm taknak bukak, or dorg tak penah ada kat ofis, aku tak pasti. Yang pasti, ko tak paham, ko carik la kawan2 yang boleh tolong. Or in my case, sebab aku tak suka berkawan, pinjam la buku kat libry try to figure out apa yg dia ckp kat class sebab notes mmg x cukup. Itu pon lepas ngam2 je. Nak score kirim salam la. Cukup dgn tak payah repeat paper tu, dah syukur sgt. So tak payah la orang2 U lain nak hina-menghina. Korg semua sama je. Nak tgk boleh survive ke tak ko pegi try UM. Nak tgk budak2 paling hantu, pegi la UM. Perangai memang la setan. Kitorg boleh hisap rokok sesuka hati, boleh pergi clubbing, boleh pakai seksi2. Buat lah apa suka. Tapi cuba dtg study week, senyap sunyi sepi. Sebab kalau kau tak study, kau jgn mimpi la nak pass paper. Memang aku hold a different standard for UM students, because I was one once. Aku punye double standard bukan sebab aku rasa UM grads pandai dari org lain, tapi bagi aku we had it tough. Tengok budak2 yang rajin belajar pon paling2 hebat pointer 3.4-3.5 je. Yang dpt 3.5 tu pon jarang2 jumpa. Yang dapat above that memang exceptional dan susah nak carik. Sebab tu aku tak heran orang lain kecoh dpt pointer hebat2 dari U lain. Kau score belum tentu kau hebat, sebab kalau aku campak kau kat UM, takde siapa boleh guarantee kau akan dpt result yang sama. Tak payah la berlagak hebat kalau kau takat tutor kat UKM kak, kau dpt jadi tutor kat Harvard ke, MIT ke, kau layak hina student U lain. Slow lah apa lah. Macam la kau hebat sgt. Yang tulis kat twitter "tak payah belajar kuat SPM sebab UiTM kan ada" tu, kau dulu grad mana, bang? Princeton? Pftt. Please la.

Tah apasal aku emo harini. PMS kot.

The dress, no cleavage

A conversation between kakak dan adik-adiknye:


Nana : Aku dah jumpa baju utk Sarah. Very beautiful. All covered, sini covered, sini..semua covered (while waving her hand all over my arm and neck area). Ada train.. Cantik..

H : Ala..covered?? No cleavage-cleavage? Hmmph. (bored face)

Nana : La, nak yang cleavage-cleavage ke? (muka confuse)

Me : You memang la suka, yang kena sembelih dgn ibu besok I.

Nana : Haaa! And my mum will sembelih me.

H : Huh. (juih bibir sambil sumbat muruku masuk mulut)


Hahahhaaa... I still remember that conversation to this day, because every time it crosses my mind I would chuckle quietly to myself. :)

bye bye at&t...

With a heavy heart, I made the decision to go for the new offer.. And now all I kept thinking is, whatever happened to "I'll never join cisco, I won't sacrifice my happiness for money". I do believe my family members assume I went for the money, they don't know at&t counter offered just as much. I know I'll be happy here, I'll be comfortable. That is all alright if this is all I want out of my career, if my job is just a job that pays my bills every month. The problem is I want to go somewhere, and cisco offers an expedited path towards that goal. So if my peace of mind is the price, I just have to pay. It keeps playing on my mind what Ana's mum used to say to me, "Whatever it takes, Sarah." Yes, whatever it takes. I have met a lot of nice people and made good friends here. It makes me sad every time I think about leaving. I used to say it won't be difficult for me to jump, because I don't feel any sense of attachment to the job, not like the previous job I had where I cringe every time my colleagues talk about my projects that were already handed over to them. The projects were my babies, I watch them progress to deployment stage from basically nothing at all. No, it's like like that in at&t, I said. Little that I know I would grow attached to the people instead, and the human connection is so much deeper than my attachments to the projects I used to lead. *sigh.. One never achieve anything great without sacrifice, right? And I cannot let myself settle for mediocre-ness, so sacrifice it is. I'll miss this cozy office, I'll miss the jokes and laughter shared with my friends.. :( But the time has come, and I must move on. One day, all these people that I love so dearly will also make their move. It's only a matter of who goes first, and who later. I will terribly miss at&t. Thank you for making my tenure a wonderful experience. Farewell. :(

Childhood Series

I was watching E! and the program 50 Cutest Child Stars brought me all the memories of watching Hollywood hit series when I was growing up.. Here are some that I can recall. Drumroll... hehe..

1) Saved by The Bell - Come on!! Who doesn't watch this series back then! Haha.. Every saturday morning, without fail, my sister and I would sit in front of the tv and wait for Saved by The Bell to start drooling over Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Hahhaaa...

2) Sister Sister - the twin sisters Tia and Tamara, remember? :)

3) Home Improvement - I watched this religiously for so many years. The reason I started watching was of course, Johnathan Taylor Thomas- dear heartthrob JTT. Hihihii...

4) Doogie Howser, M.D - Aha, the tv series that inspired kids all over the world to become a doctor. Haha.. Who can forget Neil Patrick Harris as Doogie Howser? ;)

5) Wonder Years - Remember this???!! Fred Savage with his crush on the girl next door. Such a heart warming memory... :)

6) Boy Meets World - Ben Savage. I'm not sure if I ever missed any episode. Disney channel would play the reruns over and over again, I don't ever worry whenever I missed. Cory and Topanga!!! Ngeee..

7) Family Matters - Steve Urkel!! Remember? Hehe.. My favourite Urkel's line "Err..Did I do that...?" hehe..

8) Blossom - This is also one of the series aired every Saturday morning. Blossom's style was so cool back then. Haha.. Floral prints and her hats..

9) Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman - I remember watching this every week, because my mum was a big fan, she never miss an episode, so all of us kinda got stuck on it as well.

10) Roseanne - Hands down, one of the best sitcom ever aired. :D

11) Webster - The cute little black kid, remember? Hehe..

12) Brotherly Love - Ahh.. I used to be a fan of Joey Lawrence and Matthew Lawrence.. I can still hum to the theme song of the series.. Hihih...

13) 7th Heaven - Barry Watson!!! Arrr!!! Huge, huge crush on Barry Watson back then. Haha.. And I remember my sister and I used to wish we had the plate-number bag Jessica Biel had in that series. It was such a hit back then, and expensive as hell. Backpack and sling bags made from metal plates with vehicle plate numbers. So cool. Haha..

14) Full House - Ok, this one doesn't need any explaining. If you don't know Full House, you MUST have spent your childhood in Mars. Hahahaa...

15) Fresh Prince of Bel Air - This one too, on Saturday mornings. Haha.. I can still recall the montage of this series.. Will Smith on skate board if I'm not mistaken. Ngahahaa...




#Nantila kalau rajin I'll get some pictures and put them up. Kalau rajin. Hehe..

Kung Pao Chickennnn!!!

Hah! I cooked dinner today. Ngee.. So satisfying. I'm a real sucker for chinese stir-fries. I made Kung Pao Chicken and fried vege. H loved it. As I was walking to my car this afternoon, I realized my weakness for red bags and shoes, plus my love for chinese cooking, must have come from my chinese blood. Eceh.. Dah generation ke-5 pon nak kecoh ada chinese blood. Sungguh perasan. Haha. Anyway, I'm not the one in the family who's obsessed with being chinese. That, is my little sister.

Memasak adalah seronok.

Sekian.

Guidance

Spent some quality time with H earlier today before I went to work. He managed to shed some light regarding the job offer. No one quite gets how my mind works like he does. It helps, a lot. It made me realize quite a few things actually.. Hati masih jiwa kacau. Haih... I am praying for guidance from up above.. I really do need some guidance right now. Dulu masa dapat offer at&t, buat solat istikharah jugak, tak rasa or dapat 'sign' apa2 pon, but somehow end up accepting the offer and it proved to be the right choice. Hoping for the same result this time.. Haih.. Kenapa la singkat sangat masa untuk fikir.. Tolak waktu period, singkat betul masa nak mintak doa & petunjuk. :( Kelakar betul bila ada colleague from India tanya kat IM, "Any special dua(wish) in today's prayer?" bila baru selesai sembahyang subuh. I answered, "Just one, hoping for guidance in decision making." Terus ingat mintak petunjuk pasal jodoh. Hahahahaaa.. Balik2 kaitkan dgn kawen. Apa, time nak kawen je ke kena buat keputusan? Waktu lain tak payah? Ingat orang Melayu je mentality macam ni, rupanya orang India nun dia India sana pon sama. Hahahaa.. So I made one conclusion- must be an asian thing. Haha.. Orang Melayu pulak pantang sebut solat Istikharah je, cerita pasal kawen. Manusia ni dalam hidup perlu buat keputusan dalam satu instance sahaja ya? Waktu nak kawen. Waktu lain tak perlu fikir atau buat pilihan/keputusan? Hehe.. Dah umur 27 ni macam2 benda/orang pelik dah jumpa. Plus, just for the record, soal jodoh dah tak perlu fikir panjang, dah pilih pon.. :)


Me:-

#Bila susah hati suka cakap dan share, tapi takut orang bosan, balik2 cerita sama, issue yang sama. Jadi, penuh la blog ni with my thoughts that I find too hard to suppress, too uninteresting to force people to listen to.

#Tak faham orang yang dapat job offer, dapat email dari boss, surat resign, semua nak upload gambar kat facebook. Kalau dah accept, boleh la share dengan kawan2, perhaps say goodbye to colleagues. Tapi kalau baru dapat offer, perlu ke sampai upload gambar email dekat fb? I've been trying to digest this, I still fail to. Sungguh tak faham.

#Thankful for having H, selalu ada, sentiasa wise with his thoughts, careful with his words..


Ok la, time to lay out the praying mat. Wish me luck...

Depresi Beta version

Aha! 3 posts in 1 day. I'm going mental.

Rasa sekarang hari2 perlu jumpa H. Kalau tidak tekanan perasaan akan memuncak.

Perasaan ingin lari sgtlah kuat. Dah berapa lama tak vacation ye... Too long. Patutlah depresi.

Ada rasa sedikit pelik pagi2 kat ofis boleh makan sebab dah sebulan puasa, kat ofis tak makan.

Kalau duit banyak nak terbang pergi Sweden beli Lakerol pastilles banyak2 nak beli semua flavour. Hmm.. Bestnye...

Nak baring2 atas katil pasang a/c baca buku cerita... How I wish...

Dah lama tak masak. Buku masak pon makin berhabuk. Stress reliever. Seronok makan bila masak sendiri, tapi bila ada masa banyak pula benda perlu buat- basuh baju, lipat, vakum rumah, mop lantai. Food boleh beli, lantai berhabuk takde orang nak bersihkan.

Tiba2 teringat Chocomel. Depresi lagi. :(

Haih...

Tak faham what my problem is sebenarnye.. Apa la yang aku nak ni.. Semua tak kena. Bersyukur sikit boleh? Memang boleh tapi merungut feels better kan? I'm only human.

Depresi ver2.0

Jiwaku kacau...

First, from missing H very badly. Spent 1 whole week in Kota Bharu and came back to start working immediately. No time to spend with H. For some reason sekarang dah tak boleh jauh2 lama2. Dulu pegi Holland bulan2 rilek je. Siap nak duduk situ 3 tahun lagi. Skill hidup sorg2 semakin mengurang. Kalau sekarang kena duduk Holland sorg2 lama2.. hmm.. Macam tak berapa cekal je..

Second, from 24/7 driving myself crazy weighing all options between staying at my current job, or moving on to the ridiculously $$$$$ tempting offer. Tapi nanti tak happy dan miserable akan buat H miserable juga di rumah hari2 kena dgr my whining and complaining. Plus tiap2 pagi juga mungkin menyumpah seranah tak suka kerja. Haih...

Third, from being utterly pissed and annoyed with someone but cannot let it out. Only very selected few know my issues. And those few, are getting tired of my rants. *difficult.

Fourth, from being very very exhausted working on shifts.. Night shifts are a real challenge now. I used to really appreciate this routine. No unexpected order from bosses to work on off days, be it weekends or public holidays, no extra work to bring home, no extra worrying the moment I leave the office... But of course, those perks come with a price- missing family events, missing hari raya celebrations, missing family vacations, missing weekends with H.. Now I'm getting tired of this shift routine. I wanna go back to normal working hours... but that means i might have to work extra hours, probably even on some weekends, bring home work..etc.. *sigh...

Fifth, from going over details of the wedding, trying to cut the expenses here and there and realizing I did that months ago that there's not much room to cut anymore. And yet I still go through the budget list over and over again hoping I will miraculously find something or somewhere to cut. Not much luck so far, of course.


Sangat tertekan. Besok H janji lunch sama2. I have to force myself to wake up even though I'm working on night shift tonight. I need that time with H. It will at the very least soothe some of these craziness in my life right now. *sigh...