S & H- the perfect combo

H is fast asleep at home...I wish I can creep into that tiny bed, as he calls it, and lie beside him... One day, very soon, I will be able to do that.. :) I'm still trying to imagine us living in our house in Nilai, waking him up for sahur.. and then come Hari Raya driving down south and flying up east coast. To have him by my side when I close my eyes and to see him first thing the moment I wake up each morning. I have been wishing for that.. It's about time it happens. ;p

Six years ago, it didn't cross my mind i'd find my soulmate. Someone who is always there, someone who never fails to love and support and cherish me for the person I am. Someone who drives me crazy with his mood swings and yet, still I can't stop loving him for the person he is, the person he makes me, and the person I am when I'm with him.

He never fails to hold my hand when I cry, even though in between the soothing and calming he somehow manage to insert some kind of scolding (he does, truly, drive me crazy), and yet life without him is quite unimaginable. Life without his warmth and smile? I would actually go crazy.

We have a way of making each other laugh.. We'd giggle and snicker at our private jokes.. I can already imagine our giggles late into the night in the Nilai house. It being a new house, and me not familiar with it yet, I'd most probably drag him downstairs just to get a glass of water. (If you think I'm brave, you're wrong.)

I'm a messy person, but I can't stand a dirty place. H's standard of clean, is a little lower than mine, but he's a neat freak. So I guess I'll be doing the cleaning and he'll be doing the tidying. With our hectic schedule, I certainly hope the house will be in livable condition. If it gets too messy we can always go to my mum's house.. or his mum's house... or even nana's house. Hihihihiii...

I always treasure our quiet discussions of the house, what it will be like and what we'll do to each room. The playful arguments of how I want the study to remain as it is while he won't hesitate to turn it into baby's room..

There's always something to share with each other at the end of each day.. H would have his stories of Teh, and RB and KABA's bickering plus stupid sites and stupid clients.. I'd spill my version of how the day sucks.. It took me quite a while to get him to talk and share. He used to think he is the superhero who needs to keep everything bottled up inside, suffer in silence kind of person. Now, he can't stop spilling.. and I'll always be the faithful listener, nodding and smiling, laughing when it gets to the funny part. Somehow funny parts of the stories usually involves Teh and some gross things. Now Teh is gone, H is insanely busy and all stressed out. Less funny stories, more cursing. Hehe..

Well..That's us, in a nutshell. :) This journey will continue, as we grow and learn, individually and together. One thing remains though, we're quite perfect for each other. I really do think so. ;)

August ramblings

Hmm.. For some reason, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i feel touched by the way H kept adressing me as "sarah sayang" in his blog..

Anyway, about a week ago, i saw a girl carrying a Coach handbag and also for some reason i have yet to figure out, that sent me into a short depression period. I have always considered myself to be more successful than she is, because i believe i have put in more effort in my work than she did. I know H hates it when i say things like these..but I can't help it sometimes. Yes, I do believe in rezeki. And I don't believe i am intellectually superior than her. I just think my continuous effort and unwavering focus in my career has put me one level above. It is from hard work. Coach is not even my thing. I used to wish for it back when I was still studying, but I grew up and realized my taste in bags is different than what Coach offers. So I'm left dumbfounded, no idea why the sight of her carrying the Coach bag is affecting me in such a way. What kept running through my mind was, she can have what she wants, and I can't. I worked like hell for the past 4 years and I can't afford the bag that I've been wishing for, but she can. I do believe it's not so much of having-a-designer-bag issue. It is more of a I-can't-have-what-I-want-and-she-can kind of thing. Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else, but, it makes a lot of sense to me. Yeap, I can have whatever I wish for if I ignore my priorities. The designer bag I've been eyeing for more than a year, I have been able to afford it for quite some time. But i have my priorities. I'm getting married very soon, so every single penny that can be saved goes to 'wedding fund'. On top of that H and i just bought a house. Our very own house... So every single penny that can be spared goes to 'house fund'. What's left is not much. It sucks when I look around and see other people spending on anything they feel like. If it's a designer bag they want, it's a designer bag they get. If it is expensive makeup they desire, expensive makeup they get. Yes, true, I am not drowning in credit card debt and for that I am truly thankful. But at the same time this is what my life has been like from the first day I started working. Conditions have improved, but I am still nowhere near that state where I can carelessly spend on anything I like. I literally work day and night, so even though I kept telling myself I'll have a nice house at a considerably young age and that I do not have to worry about credit card bills, the reality is, every time I look around, people are getting what they want and I don't. THAT is depressing like hell.
But there is something I have always silently bragged about..having H. :) I have seen other people's bf/fiance/husband.. Although I feel bad for feeling this way, I can't help smiling in pride with who I have by my side and at times, I even feel sorry for the other girl, because the person sitting next to her is a jerk or a loser. There's this one very sweet and nice girl i know whose fiance insulted my job, right to my face. I do not have to prove myself to him, because I know, and for god's sake everyone who knows our field would know that my job is superior to his, so I let it slip. As for that girl, she has my deepest sympathy.
Name me a guy who remembers history like H does. Name me a guy who reads so diligently like H does. He's like a walking encyclopedia. We once had a conversation about the mechanics of a type of watch, how it uses pressure to determine altitude. I can hardly recall 1 name that I can have that conversation with, other than H. Yes, I'm a geek, I can only survive dating a geek. Can you imagine watching nat geo and having someone by your side who is ready to answer any question you have? It's amazing! Ngeeee...

Mesti la tunang saya bes kan, dah nama pon tunang saya. Muaahahahahaa...

Couple fights

A good friend once told me, he admired the relationship that a friend of his has with his gf. They don't fight at all. They were friends for a long time before starting a romantic relationship, so my friend said that their bond is very strong as a result of the friendship, that's why they don't fight. I know he didn't mean to compare my relationship with my bf to that couple's relationship, but being someone who knows about a few fights that I had with my bf, I can't help feeling like the statement implied their relationship is better than mine. I know I'm being unnecessarily defensive, but the harshest judgments always come from oneself. Many weeks had passed since that conversation took place but it still kept playing in my mind. I know there's always room for improvements in my relationship but i was thinking, it's been 6 years how can I not reach that level yet, as in the ultimate state of being together that you don't even fight at all? I thought our bond is very strong, have I been wrong all these while? This morning, while driving home from work I suddenly got the answer.

All couples fight. Good ones don't fight about petty things, they only fight about major, significant things. Issues that really matters. And those fights, of course, take place behind closed doors.

All couples fight. That's a sign that the relationship is healthy. I'm not saying you must fight, but put two different person with different personalities together, you are bound to have differences. And it is only natural that issues will arise that could eventually lead to a fight.

All couples fight. That's a good sign, it means you're trying. Trying to fix an issue, trying to make it better, trying to make it last... You voice out and talk about it. It's not necessarily those big fights, it could be an argument, anything that would make those two people to talk about what's bothering them and find a way to make things work.

I've been in a relationship that has no fight, where everything seems perfect while it lasted. Needless to say, it didn't last long. When a couple don't fight at all, one party is either too dominant, or basically a doormat trying so hard to please everyone. Or, either one or both, just simply don't care what happens to the relationship. That's not healthy, and no one wants to be in those kind of relationship. Okay maybe some do, not me, that's for sure.

So, to sum things up, every couple fight. That's how things work. Fighting is normal and it's part of being in a relationship, it's in the package. It's when you don't fight at all that you should start worrying.

We have it the hard way, too

I just read an article that was shared by a friend on Facebook. The article was titled "Mengapa Lelaki Kahwin Lambat?". I imagine everyone can guess the contents of the article, i.e weddings are costly, there's not enough time to save, wang hantaran, maljis etc. And..the best part, the grand finale, is this statement "...and the pressure is on men...". This article was not written by the person who published it on the website, there was a link to the original writer's blog, in which it was written in a more casual manner as opposed to the more formal way eith the one published on the website. Fine. That was what I assumed the opinion of one person. It was enough to irritate me, but what irks me even more is the comments on the blog. Everyone, I repeat, every single person who dropped one or more comments on that entry talks about how difficult it is being a male nowadays with regard to getting married. I was appalled by what I read. Where have all these people been living? Are they from another era altogether? Why is everyone so focused on what MEN has to go through? What about us ladies? What about US, who spends as much the men in the relationship, who contributes as much with expenses?

This is the 21st century. Women have the same level of education, earns as much, and spends as much. Conduct a survey, I would love to see how many percent of all relationships still have the male as bread-winner, who pays for everything while the female partner just sits and enjoy the luxury. I bet you less than 5%. Of all the married couples I know, not even one of them has the male as sole provider. Everything is shared, family expenses are divided between those two. Same goes to those who are still dating. One would pay for the meal and the other one would pay for the movie tickets. You pay this time, I'll pay next time. No, we don't carry around an account to show whose turn it is but you get the point, it's equal. There is no such thing as men having more pressure or caring more burden than women.

When it comes to getting married, it is still the same case. Who do they think pays for the dress? Who do they think pays the photographer? Who do they think pays for the decorations? An angel from the sky?? Hello. Open your eyes a little wider, your mind a little broader, will you? How shallow can those people be? It is US ladies who pay for those expenses. All those hantaran, expensive watches, perfume sets, big boys toys, DSLR cameras you hardly know how to use, expensive shoes, platinum wedding bands...and the list goes on.. Where do you think they come from? OUR savings, of course! Money that we worked day and night to get. Money we starve ourselves to save. Money from the shopping trips we cut off so that we can save. The wedding favours, those little fancy gifts that the 1000 over guests each receive- No they are not sent by a fairy godmother the day before the reception. WE do the research, WE get the suppliers, we PAY the suppliers. So you see, life is no easier on us girls.

When two people are married, the car installment, house mortgage, childrens' expenses, are all divided between them. There is no such thing as a wife complaining about having to spend on things other than herself. Well, if the guy choose to marry a spoilt brat then that is his problem. You should know before you make that decision to get married how life will be. For the rest of us, we are smart enough to know that our partner can't afford to pay for everything on his own if we were to have a comfortable life. Because we know we want to drive to work so we need two cars, we know we want to live in a comfortable house so mortgage is high, we know we want to eat good food so groceries are costly, and we know we want a considerably good life together so we share the burden.

I overheard my mother having a phone conversation with her former colleague. Apparently everyone is getting their child married so everyone is busy with wedding preparations so everyone is doing wedding talk so everyone is comparing notes. I heard... "...ring ada macam-macam jenis...banyak choice...eh, tak la..yang takde certificate pon cantik..ha'ah nagda-ngada je tu...tak payah diamond yang ada certificate...cantik jugak.. eh, banyak cerita pulak budak tu.." I stopped listening and I went upstairs. Another 5 mins into the conversation I might have ripped the phone from my mother's hand and said, "Aunty, first of all, you have no idea arrangements between your son and his fiancee macam mana. For all you know, she is paying for the ring herself. Kalau tak macam tu pon, aunty penah pikir ke selama ni berapa banyak dah duit that girl habis untuk anak aunty, barang-barang hantaran untuk anak aunty tu siapa yang bayar kalau bukan budak perempuan mengada tu? kasut beratus-ratus, camera harga beribu-ribu, kalau anak aunty mintak toys, gadget ke, ye la memang la mainan, tapi mainan nye beratus kalau tak beribu harganye.." Yes, she is looking out for her son, but did she ever stopped to think about how much that girl has to spend? If she has been working for several years, and she is doing well considering her age, doesn't she deserve what she wants, especially if she herself can afford it? Why should she settle for less? As for the guy, you want to get married, you should be prepared fro what comes with that decision. And you should be man enough not to run to your mother every single instance you face a bump in the road. You're about to be the head of the family for God's sake, learn to stand on your own two feet.

I know what it feels like because I am going through the same thing. I am paying for engagement expenses, engagement dress, engagement hantaran, etc. I am paying for my wedding dress- nikah and reception, my bridesmaid's dress, my parents outfit and my sister's outfit, I am paying for the hantaran, decorations of hantaran, photography, wedding favours, invitation cards, hair & makeup.. You name it, it will all be from my hard-earned savings. The icing on the cake? I have a mother who wants everything fancy but expects us to fork out the money on our own. It's like headache times 50.

So no, we are not living in a wonderland. Girls are facing challenges as tough as the guys are. And we don't come cheap because you don't get a girl who sits at home having foam bath and having her hair done for four hours everyday. We go to work, busts our ass off from dawn to night so that we bring home our half of the bread to feed the family. So please stop talking about how tough life is for men. Remember, wedding receptions are held at both sides, not just the male's. And men are not expected to cover the expenses for both sides. Us girls carry the same amount of responsibility.

We don't live in a mee-mee world. The world is just as tough on us. I feel like slapping the author of the article so that he will wake up from his fantasy. Long gone are days where men are knights in shining armour that saves us from the witch and the dragon, and puts us in a lovely castle. Nowadays, we fight our own battle, slay the dragon and shoot our own deer for dinner.


So sir, the one who published the article, please start talking with your brains, not with your dick and balls. And madam blogger, the one who actually wrote the entry, YOU may expect your partner to cover all the bills, do all the hardwork, but the rest of us don't. maybe you're not intelligent enough for that, but we are. There should be a law against these idiots who write nonsense.

Everything

"You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the life, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you're everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

-Everything, Lifehouse

This is my "En. Bf".

This person is my life, the purpose for my waking up each morning, my comfort pillow, my strength, my favourite belonging, in short, my everything.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we managed to pull through, despite all the hardships in the last 6 years. Our relationship is filled with flavor, laughter and tears, and most importantly, our ability to laugh at the things that brought us tears in the first place. Sweet memories lined our journey as a couple, pulling us closer together.

I love seeing him in his KABA shirt...

I love watching him at work, with that focused look on his face, the occasional head scratching...

This is us on his graduation day.

His imperfections make him perfect...

I can't even try to explain what he means to me. Going to bed without him by my side hurts. Being at work during days that he is off work sucks, lying on the couch watching tv on a rainy day makes me miss him the most.

God created an amazing creature, who happens to be mine. What a blessing, eh? :)

two-seven

Wow.. twenty-sevennnnn!!! That's a big number. Huh. I'm not sure if I like being closer to thirty. But then, if i'm not 27, I wouldn't be here, enjoying the joys that life has rewarded me. If I were 24 or 25, I'd still be struggling to make ends meet every month, drooling every time I visit the mall because I can't afford anything I like. So I guess 27 is not that bad after all.

Well, as usual, the ritual....birthday blog. :)

So lets see... what have i learned for the past one year...

First and foremost, unconditional love, is hard. It tears you apart, break you, and wear you out. It's tough to keep it going. But having it is a blessing.

Well, I'm not sure if I have grown up since one year ago. If you were to ask H, he'd probably say no. Hell, he'd probably even say I haven't grown at all in the last 5 years. Well, I'm fine with that. You know what, when you love someone that much, it's fine he he says things like that. If you don't like it, you fight, if you can tolerate you ignore, and if you can look at it the funny way, you laugh. We fight like cats and dogs nowadays. Oh well, that's what relationship is about right? Fighting. ;)

Anyway, next year will bring something new to my life. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I'll discuss that when I'm ready.

One thing I do know for sure, buying home appliances makes me feel like a grown up. :) I haven't really been able to afford things for my house much in the past, given my salary was barely enough to feed both myself and my car. So now that I finally have the ability to do it, I can't stop. It is highly fatal to let me loose in IKEA without supervision. It is hazardous to my purse. And now that we've grown older, whenever H accompanies me to my IKEA trip, people would look at us like we're newlyweds. I think that's cute. Hehe.. ;p

Oh, I started cooking!! By that I discovered that I love making chinese stir-fries. So that's my second favourite after baking. Oh, and I see a new oven and mixer making it's way to my house. I can already smell the aroma of cupcakes and cookies wafting in the air, filling up the house with that vanilla scent.. Oooh.. Hahaaa.. H would shake his head and say, apa lagi you beli ni sayang... Beli oven la darling, how else am I suppose to bake without an oven??! Hehe.. But he's so supportive of my cooking, he 'belanja' me a wok last week. :) Thanks honey. That means more chinese cooking for you. ;)

Aaand... That's all for now. I have a feeling there will be a second entry on "being 27". So I guess I'll be writing again soon.

Til then, Happy birthday Sarah!!!

lil cuzzens

While driving a few days ago, I was suddenly reminiscing my babysitting days back when i was still in school and in college. Being the second eldest among us cousins, I ended up babysitting a lot. Mostly for my aunt in Rawang.

The first one was Qish. I just entered form 4 when she was born, and I missed her birth because I was staying in the hostel. I managed to get kicked out of the hostel (much to my delight) the following year, so I was appointed the official babysitter around the time she turned 1. She was the smartest toddler on earth! She was sharp, observant, and funny. She learned to walk fast, and learned to talk just as fast. Before i knew it, she was already completing full sentences. On her third birthday, Qish said, "I am 3 years old today." And when she was 5, she went for a vacation, came back and described Madurodam to us, citing it was her favourite place of all, second to Disneyland of course. One particular memory stood out, it was raining that evening, Qish was about 1 1/2 years old. She was having trouble sleeping and was already grumpy. She wasn't the type who complains a lot but i guess the sound of the rain was disturbing. I held her, and as the rain was getting lighter, I carried her to the porch, swinging lightly until she finally fell asleep in my arms. That moment, I wished I could freeze time, and let her be in her peaceful sleep forever..

Then came Iman. I was already in UM. My aunt is not able to deliver her babies the normal way, all her 3 children was delivered by C-section. She had the date picked out in advance, so we had all anticipated it. I remember I had a viva for my programming paper that morning, and I rushed to the hospital as soon as we were done. She was cute and tiny, barely opening her eyes.. We took turns to hold her. My youngest aunt still has a video of 2-days-old Iman in her phone. A few months later i started my industrial training somewhere very close to my aunt's house so I stayed with her the whole 3 and a half months. Iman was about 2 months old when I started. Again, I was the babysitter. Changing her diapers, feeeding her, bathing her, just like i did with Qish. I'd stay up and keep my aunt and uncle company when she was down with a fever, taking turns to hold her so that each could catch some sleep. When industrial training ended I could barely go more than 2 weeks without seeing Iman and Qish. I'd miss them so much, I'd just hop on the komuter straight to Rawang, and my uncle would fetch me at the station and I'll spend my weekend there. One time Iman was hospitalized and she only wanted me to hold her. I was in the middle of midterms so I couldn't stay. It broke my heart in two when I had to leave that night, she was crying and she didn't want to let me go.

Aidan's story is a little bit different. I played with him as much as I did Iman and Qish but I didn't get to do so much babysitting. My aunt and uncle started hiring a maid after Aidan was born. 3 is a wee but too much to handle on their own. Those 3 can really wreak havoc. Anyway, Aidan was always clutching to the bibik, although whenever they came to our house, bath time with kak sarah is always those two kids' favourite. Iman and Aidan would request bubbles and songs and we'd spend ages in the bathroom singing Baa baa black sheep and blowing bubbles. Their laughter still rings in my ears.

Qish and Iman, are like chalk and cheese. Qish is more reserved, preferring to observe in silence. Her observance serves her well. She has become a very smart kid, with a great sense of humour. Her blog never fails to crack me up in the middle of the night. Iman is the free-spirited one. Carefree and fun. You can see that she has confidence in her. She's loud, always laughing, unlike her sister. Aidan is usually her target. She's the boss and orders him around. It's really fun to watch. And I love them all very dearly. Well, I wouldn't deny they do get on my nerves from time to time.

With all of them, I watched them grow. I watched each phase of their childhood. I watched as they learn to walk, as they learn to speak.. I watched as they learn each of our name until they got it right. We would ask them over and over again who this is, and who that is. Those whose names that they got right would beam with pride. I watched as they learn to hold the pencil and draw their first fish and stars. And when the time comes, they will no longer want to sit in my lap as they used to. They prefer doing things on their own. That was always the toughest part. We'd watch cartoons and instead of coming right to sit in my lap, they'll choose their own seat. "They're growing up, this is part of it", I'd say to myself with a heavy sigh. And the time comes when they no longer want me to draw for them, they want to draw on their own and then show it to me. It was difficult to keep my hands on my sides while they struggle with a toy, when they were trying so hard to prove that they can do it. Me helping would crush that spirit. Sometimes when I just couldn't help myself, I'd try to help, and I'll be brushed off with sentences like, "Iman pandai kak sarah, Iman dah besar." or "Aidan tauuuu.." When Qish first learned alphabets, I would tirelessly tease her with "B for Balqish!" knowing that she would counter with "A for Aqish la kak sarahh.." hehe.. and the argument would continue until she gives up and with me laughing aloud. I remember having to bite my tongue when they struggle with re-counting the things they've just learned. From numbers 1 to 10, to the 7 days of the week.

Words can't describe how much I love them, and the memories of them growing up will stay with me forever..