E.M.O.S.I

I have just finished reading a post on a famous blog, and the blogger was talking about people's perception UiTM graduates and basically other university in Malaysia which are deemed "lower class universities." I do agree with what she said, how well a student do in university is not determined by which university the student attends, but the student's effort and attitude towards learning. Yes, true, correct.

She gave examples of obnoxious people from other universities can be. The part that I found funny is that those people who are so quick to give insults, are not really from that great of a university pon. Ada tutor from UKM cakap budak-budak UNIMAS slow. Come on la, kau kat UKM je, bukan tutor kat Yale pon. I have nothing against UKM graduates, or UPM's or UiTM's or any other local U for that matter. I just never really got over the fact that a lot of people from those places brag of being great. Aku attend my cousin's konvo kat UiTM. Satu sesi punye konvo ntah berapa ratus first class grad. Kat UM nak jumpa satu pon punye seksa. Memang bukan salah student, dah sistem U dia macam tu. Of course la bangga kan. Mak ayah yang attend pon bangga anak dia dpt first class honours. Tapi yang aku takleh digest bila kau grad UiTM dgn fist class, kau atau mak ayah kau kepoh. Kalau sekerat batch dapat, apa yang istimewa nye lagi? My best friend's little sister was a UPM's student. Sama faculty dgn kitorg cuma lain2 U. Dia dulu pernah la frust that adik beradik dia result gempak2. Result dia biasa2 je. Aku tau adik dia pandai. Ni nak sambung Phd kat US dapat scholarship. So most probably kalau dia dekat UM pon dia score jugak. Tapi my best friend penah bagitau, dia tengok exam questions adik dia for programming paper, soalan macam soalan tutorial kitorg je. Yang kitorg ni paper OOB kat lab, kau buat la program ko kat situ 3 jam. Tak boleh run, kau nganga. By the way, adik dia tak brag pon, i have nothing against her, just trying to prove a point. Tapi bila kitorg dah found out the fact that soalan exam dia mcm tu, kitorg pon dah jadi tak heran kalau dgr orang2 U lain result gempak2. Boleh la score kan kalau apa yang keluar kat tutuorial keluar dlm exam. Mungkin UM susah bagi orang yang tak pandai macam aku je la kan. Orang2 bijak takde masalah sgt. Kawan kakak aku dulu lepas grad dr UM sambung belajar and jadi tutor kat UTM. Lecturers kena pay attention, tutors pon kena always available utk student. Cuba kat UM, kau ketuk la pintu lecturer kau. Takkan ada yang jawab nye. Dorg kat dlm taknak bukak, or dorg tak penah ada kat ofis, aku tak pasti. Yang pasti, ko tak paham, ko carik la kawan2 yang boleh tolong. Or in my case, sebab aku tak suka berkawan, pinjam la buku kat libry try to figure out apa yg dia ckp kat class sebab notes mmg x cukup. Itu pon lepas ngam2 je. Nak score kirim salam la. Cukup dgn tak payah repeat paper tu, dah syukur sgt. So tak payah la orang2 U lain nak hina-menghina. Korg semua sama je. Nak tgk boleh survive ke tak ko pegi try UM. Nak tgk budak2 paling hantu, pegi la UM. Perangai memang la setan. Kitorg boleh hisap rokok sesuka hati, boleh pergi clubbing, boleh pakai seksi2. Buat lah apa suka. Tapi cuba dtg study week, senyap sunyi sepi. Sebab kalau kau tak study, kau jgn mimpi la nak pass paper. Memang aku hold a different standard for UM students, because I was one once. Aku punye double standard bukan sebab aku rasa UM grads pandai dari org lain, tapi bagi aku we had it tough. Tengok budak2 yang rajin belajar pon paling2 hebat pointer 3.4-3.5 je. Yang dpt 3.5 tu pon jarang2 jumpa. Yang dapat above that memang exceptional dan susah nak carik. Sebab tu aku tak heran orang lain kecoh dpt pointer hebat2 dari U lain. Kau score belum tentu kau hebat, sebab kalau aku campak kau kat UM, takde siapa boleh guarantee kau akan dpt result yang sama. Tak payah la berlagak hebat kalau kau takat tutor kat UKM kak, kau dpt jadi tutor kat Harvard ke, MIT ke, kau layak hina student U lain. Slow lah apa lah. Macam la kau hebat sgt. Yang tulis kat twitter "tak payah belajar kuat SPM sebab UiTM kan ada" tu, kau dulu grad mana, bang? Princeton? Pftt. Please la.

Tah apasal aku emo harini. PMS kot.

The dress, no cleavage

A conversation between kakak dan adik-adiknye:


Nana : Aku dah jumpa baju utk Sarah. Very beautiful. All covered, sini covered, sini..semua covered (while waving her hand all over my arm and neck area). Ada train.. Cantik..

H : Ala..covered?? No cleavage-cleavage? Hmmph. (bored face)

Nana : La, nak yang cleavage-cleavage ke? (muka confuse)

Me : You memang la suka, yang kena sembelih dgn ibu besok I.

Nana : Haaa! And my mum will sembelih me.

H : Huh. (juih bibir sambil sumbat muruku masuk mulut)


Hahahhaaa... I still remember that conversation to this day, because every time it crosses my mind I would chuckle quietly to myself. :)

bye bye at&t...

With a heavy heart, I made the decision to go for the new offer.. And now all I kept thinking is, whatever happened to "I'll never join cisco, I won't sacrifice my happiness for money". I do believe my family members assume I went for the money, they don't know at&t counter offered just as much. I know I'll be happy here, I'll be comfortable. That is all alright if this is all I want out of my career, if my job is just a job that pays my bills every month. The problem is I want to go somewhere, and cisco offers an expedited path towards that goal. So if my peace of mind is the price, I just have to pay. It keeps playing on my mind what Ana's mum used to say to me, "Whatever it takes, Sarah." Yes, whatever it takes. I have met a lot of nice people and made good friends here. It makes me sad every time I think about leaving. I used to say it won't be difficult for me to jump, because I don't feel any sense of attachment to the job, not like the previous job I had where I cringe every time my colleagues talk about my projects that were already handed over to them. The projects were my babies, I watch them progress to deployment stage from basically nothing at all. No, it's like like that in at&t, I said. Little that I know I would grow attached to the people instead, and the human connection is so much deeper than my attachments to the projects I used to lead. *sigh.. One never achieve anything great without sacrifice, right? And I cannot let myself settle for mediocre-ness, so sacrifice it is. I'll miss this cozy office, I'll miss the jokes and laughter shared with my friends.. :( But the time has come, and I must move on. One day, all these people that I love so dearly will also make their move. It's only a matter of who goes first, and who later. I will terribly miss at&t. Thank you for making my tenure a wonderful experience. Farewell. :(

Childhood Series

I was watching E! and the program 50 Cutest Child Stars brought me all the memories of watching Hollywood hit series when I was growing up.. Here are some that I can recall. Drumroll... hehe..

1) Saved by The Bell - Come on!! Who doesn't watch this series back then! Haha.. Every saturday morning, without fail, my sister and I would sit in front of the tv and wait for Saved by The Bell to start drooling over Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Hahhaaa...

2) Sister Sister - the twin sisters Tia and Tamara, remember? :)

3) Home Improvement - I watched this religiously for so many years. The reason I started watching was of course, Johnathan Taylor Thomas- dear heartthrob JTT. Hihihii...

4) Doogie Howser, M.D - Aha, the tv series that inspired kids all over the world to become a doctor. Haha.. Who can forget Neil Patrick Harris as Doogie Howser? ;)

5) Wonder Years - Remember this???!! Fred Savage with his crush on the girl next door. Such a heart warming memory... :)

6) Boy Meets World - Ben Savage. I'm not sure if I ever missed any episode. Disney channel would play the reruns over and over again, I don't ever worry whenever I missed. Cory and Topanga!!! Ngeee..

7) Family Matters - Steve Urkel!! Remember? Hehe.. My favourite Urkel's line "Err..Did I do that...?" hehe..

8) Blossom - This is also one of the series aired every Saturday morning. Blossom's style was so cool back then. Haha.. Floral prints and her hats..

9) Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman - I remember watching this every week, because my mum was a big fan, she never miss an episode, so all of us kinda got stuck on it as well.

10) Roseanne - Hands down, one of the best sitcom ever aired. :D

11) Webster - The cute little black kid, remember? Hehe..

12) Brotherly Love - Ahh.. I used to be a fan of Joey Lawrence and Matthew Lawrence.. I can still hum to the theme song of the series.. Hihih...

13) 7th Heaven - Barry Watson!!! Arrr!!! Huge, huge crush on Barry Watson back then. Haha.. And I remember my sister and I used to wish we had the plate-number bag Jessica Biel had in that series. It was such a hit back then, and expensive as hell. Backpack and sling bags made from metal plates with vehicle plate numbers. So cool. Haha..

14) Full House - Ok, this one doesn't need any explaining. If you don't know Full House, you MUST have spent your childhood in Mars. Hahahaa...

15) Fresh Prince of Bel Air - This one too, on Saturday mornings. Haha.. I can still recall the montage of this series.. Will Smith on skate board if I'm not mistaken. Ngahahaa...




#Nantila kalau rajin I'll get some pictures and put them up. Kalau rajin. Hehe..

Kung Pao Chickennnn!!!

Hah! I cooked dinner today. Ngee.. So satisfying. I'm a real sucker for chinese stir-fries. I made Kung Pao Chicken and fried vege. H loved it. As I was walking to my car this afternoon, I realized my weakness for red bags and shoes, plus my love for chinese cooking, must have come from my chinese blood. Eceh.. Dah generation ke-5 pon nak kecoh ada chinese blood. Sungguh perasan. Haha. Anyway, I'm not the one in the family who's obsessed with being chinese. That, is my little sister.

Memasak adalah seronok.

Sekian.

Guidance

Spent some quality time with H earlier today before I went to work. He managed to shed some light regarding the job offer. No one quite gets how my mind works like he does. It helps, a lot. It made me realize quite a few things actually.. Hati masih jiwa kacau. Haih... I am praying for guidance from up above.. I really do need some guidance right now. Dulu masa dapat offer at&t, buat solat istikharah jugak, tak rasa or dapat 'sign' apa2 pon, but somehow end up accepting the offer and it proved to be the right choice. Hoping for the same result this time.. Haih.. Kenapa la singkat sangat masa untuk fikir.. Tolak waktu period, singkat betul masa nak mintak doa & petunjuk. :( Kelakar betul bila ada colleague from India tanya kat IM, "Any special dua(wish) in today's prayer?" bila baru selesai sembahyang subuh. I answered, "Just one, hoping for guidance in decision making." Terus ingat mintak petunjuk pasal jodoh. Hahahahaaa.. Balik2 kaitkan dgn kawen. Apa, time nak kawen je ke kena buat keputusan? Waktu lain tak payah? Ingat orang Melayu je mentality macam ni, rupanya orang India nun dia India sana pon sama. Hahahaa.. So I made one conclusion- must be an asian thing. Haha.. Orang Melayu pulak pantang sebut solat Istikharah je, cerita pasal kawen. Manusia ni dalam hidup perlu buat keputusan dalam satu instance sahaja ya? Waktu nak kawen. Waktu lain tak perlu fikir atau buat pilihan/keputusan? Hehe.. Dah umur 27 ni macam2 benda/orang pelik dah jumpa. Plus, just for the record, soal jodoh dah tak perlu fikir panjang, dah pilih pon.. :)


Me:-

#Bila susah hati suka cakap dan share, tapi takut orang bosan, balik2 cerita sama, issue yang sama. Jadi, penuh la blog ni with my thoughts that I find too hard to suppress, too uninteresting to force people to listen to.

#Tak faham orang yang dapat job offer, dapat email dari boss, surat resign, semua nak upload gambar kat facebook. Kalau dah accept, boleh la share dengan kawan2, perhaps say goodbye to colleagues. Tapi kalau baru dapat offer, perlu ke sampai upload gambar email dekat fb? I've been trying to digest this, I still fail to. Sungguh tak faham.

#Thankful for having H, selalu ada, sentiasa wise with his thoughts, careful with his words..


Ok la, time to lay out the praying mat. Wish me luck...

Depresi Beta version

Aha! 3 posts in 1 day. I'm going mental.

Rasa sekarang hari2 perlu jumpa H. Kalau tidak tekanan perasaan akan memuncak.

Perasaan ingin lari sgtlah kuat. Dah berapa lama tak vacation ye... Too long. Patutlah depresi.

Ada rasa sedikit pelik pagi2 kat ofis boleh makan sebab dah sebulan puasa, kat ofis tak makan.

Kalau duit banyak nak terbang pergi Sweden beli Lakerol pastilles banyak2 nak beli semua flavour. Hmm.. Bestnye...

Nak baring2 atas katil pasang a/c baca buku cerita... How I wish...

Dah lama tak masak. Buku masak pon makin berhabuk. Stress reliever. Seronok makan bila masak sendiri, tapi bila ada masa banyak pula benda perlu buat- basuh baju, lipat, vakum rumah, mop lantai. Food boleh beli, lantai berhabuk takde orang nak bersihkan.

Tiba2 teringat Chocomel. Depresi lagi. :(

Haih...

Tak faham what my problem is sebenarnye.. Apa la yang aku nak ni.. Semua tak kena. Bersyukur sikit boleh? Memang boleh tapi merungut feels better kan? I'm only human.

Depresi ver2.0

Jiwaku kacau...

First, from missing H very badly. Spent 1 whole week in Kota Bharu and came back to start working immediately. No time to spend with H. For some reason sekarang dah tak boleh jauh2 lama2. Dulu pegi Holland bulan2 rilek je. Siap nak duduk situ 3 tahun lagi. Skill hidup sorg2 semakin mengurang. Kalau sekarang kena duduk Holland sorg2 lama2.. hmm.. Macam tak berapa cekal je..

Second, from 24/7 driving myself crazy weighing all options between staying at my current job, or moving on to the ridiculously $$$$$ tempting offer. Tapi nanti tak happy dan miserable akan buat H miserable juga di rumah hari2 kena dgr my whining and complaining. Plus tiap2 pagi juga mungkin menyumpah seranah tak suka kerja. Haih...

Third, from being utterly pissed and annoyed with someone but cannot let it out. Only very selected few know my issues. And those few, are getting tired of my rants. *difficult.

Fourth, from being very very exhausted working on shifts.. Night shifts are a real challenge now. I used to really appreciate this routine. No unexpected order from bosses to work on off days, be it weekends or public holidays, no extra work to bring home, no extra worrying the moment I leave the office... But of course, those perks come with a price- missing family events, missing hari raya celebrations, missing family vacations, missing weekends with H.. Now I'm getting tired of this shift routine. I wanna go back to normal working hours... but that means i might have to work extra hours, probably even on some weekends, bring home work..etc.. *sigh...

Fifth, from going over details of the wedding, trying to cut the expenses here and there and realizing I did that months ago that there's not much room to cut anymore. And yet I still go through the budget list over and over again hoping I will miraculously find something or somewhere to cut. Not much luck so far, of course.


Sangat tertekan. Besok H janji lunch sama2. I have to force myself to wake up even though I'm working on night shift tonight. I need that time with H. It will at the very least soothe some of these craziness in my life right now. *sigh...

Once upon a time...

I so extremely miss:

1) Mariastraat in winter

2) Chocomel

3) Special K with Chocomel in the morning

4) MONA puddings

5) my walk to Albert Heijn, grocery shopping in Albert Heijn

6) cheap chocolates in Kruidvat

7) tram rides to town

8) jalan-jalan kat market. nibbling on warm deep-fried fish while shopping for cherries and oranges. toiletries too.

9) gobbling on a whole box of Leonidas chocolate on the sofa while watching tv

10) Having churros while walking along Scheveningen beach. For some reason during 2010's winter the churros stall was closed most of the time, so when we found a churros stall in Nice we practically went crazy. Hari2 pegi beli churros.

11) i may be on the verge of insanity, but i kinda miss dutch commercials.


*sigh... saya amat rindu waktu itu... :(

^^mode jiwa kacau :(


>>>saya mahu pergi Holland sama H satu hari nanti. One day... I hope...

Ku Ingin Selamanya

Buat tunang tersayang..Eceh.. haahahahahaa...





Ungu – Ku Ingin Selamanya

Cinta adalah misteri dalam hidupku
Yang tak pernah ku tahu akhirnya
Namun tak seperti cintaku pada dirimu
Yang harus tergenapi dalam kisah hidupku

Ku ingin slamanya mencintai dirimu
Sampai saat ku akan menutup mata dan hidupku
Ku ingin slamanya ada di sampingmu
Menyayangi dirimu sampai waktu kan memanggilku

Ku berharap abadi dalam hidupku
Mencintamu bahagia untukku
Karena kasihku hanya untuk dirimu
Selamanya kan tetap milikmu

Di relung sukmamu
Ku melabuhkan s’luruh cintaku
Di hembus nafasmu
Ku abadikan s’luruh kasih dan sayangku


p/s: I would very much like to have this song played on my wedding... :)

S & H- the perfect combo

H is fast asleep at home...I wish I can creep into that tiny bed, as he calls it, and lie beside him... One day, very soon, I will be able to do that.. :) I'm still trying to imagine us living in our house in Nilai, waking him up for sahur.. and then come Hari Raya driving down south and flying up east coast. To have him by my side when I close my eyes and to see him first thing the moment I wake up each morning. I have been wishing for that.. It's about time it happens. ;p

Six years ago, it didn't cross my mind i'd find my soulmate. Someone who is always there, someone who never fails to love and support and cherish me for the person I am. Someone who drives me crazy with his mood swings and yet, still I can't stop loving him for the person he is, the person he makes me, and the person I am when I'm with him.

He never fails to hold my hand when I cry, even though in between the soothing and calming he somehow manage to insert some kind of scolding (he does, truly, drive me crazy), and yet life without him is quite unimaginable. Life without his warmth and smile? I would actually go crazy.

We have a way of making each other laugh.. We'd giggle and snicker at our private jokes.. I can already imagine our giggles late into the night in the Nilai house. It being a new house, and me not familiar with it yet, I'd most probably drag him downstairs just to get a glass of water. (If you think I'm brave, you're wrong.)

I'm a messy person, but I can't stand a dirty place. H's standard of clean, is a little lower than mine, but he's a neat freak. So I guess I'll be doing the cleaning and he'll be doing the tidying. With our hectic schedule, I certainly hope the house will be in livable condition. If it gets too messy we can always go to my mum's house.. or his mum's house... or even nana's house. Hihihihiii...

I always treasure our quiet discussions of the house, what it will be like and what we'll do to each room. The playful arguments of how I want the study to remain as it is while he won't hesitate to turn it into baby's room..

There's always something to share with each other at the end of each day.. H would have his stories of Teh, and RB and KABA's bickering plus stupid sites and stupid clients.. I'd spill my version of how the day sucks.. It took me quite a while to get him to talk and share. He used to think he is the superhero who needs to keep everything bottled up inside, suffer in silence kind of person. Now, he can't stop spilling.. and I'll always be the faithful listener, nodding and smiling, laughing when it gets to the funny part. Somehow funny parts of the stories usually involves Teh and some gross things. Now Teh is gone, H is insanely busy and all stressed out. Less funny stories, more cursing. Hehe..

Well..That's us, in a nutshell. :) This journey will continue, as we grow and learn, individually and together. One thing remains though, we're quite perfect for each other. I really do think so. ;)

August ramblings

Hmm.. For some reason, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i feel touched by the way H kept adressing me as "sarah sayang" in his blog..

Anyway, about a week ago, i saw a girl carrying a Coach handbag and also for some reason i have yet to figure out, that sent me into a short depression period. I have always considered myself to be more successful than she is, because i believe i have put in more effort in my work than she did. I know H hates it when i say things like these..but I can't help it sometimes. Yes, I do believe in rezeki. And I don't believe i am intellectually superior than her. I just think my continuous effort and unwavering focus in my career has put me one level above. It is from hard work. Coach is not even my thing. I used to wish for it back when I was still studying, but I grew up and realized my taste in bags is different than what Coach offers. So I'm left dumbfounded, no idea why the sight of her carrying the Coach bag is affecting me in such a way. What kept running through my mind was, she can have what she wants, and I can't. I worked like hell for the past 4 years and I can't afford the bag that I've been wishing for, but she can. I do believe it's not so much of having-a-designer-bag issue. It is more of a I-can't-have-what-I-want-and-she-can kind of thing. Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else, but, it makes a lot of sense to me. Yeap, I can have whatever I wish for if I ignore my priorities. The designer bag I've been eyeing for more than a year, I have been able to afford it for quite some time. But i have my priorities. I'm getting married very soon, so every single penny that can be saved goes to 'wedding fund'. On top of that H and i just bought a house. Our very own house... So every single penny that can be spared goes to 'house fund'. What's left is not much. It sucks when I look around and see other people spending on anything they feel like. If it's a designer bag they want, it's a designer bag they get. If it is expensive makeup they desire, expensive makeup they get. Yes, true, I am not drowning in credit card debt and for that I am truly thankful. But at the same time this is what my life has been like from the first day I started working. Conditions have improved, but I am still nowhere near that state where I can carelessly spend on anything I like. I literally work day and night, so even though I kept telling myself I'll have a nice house at a considerably young age and that I do not have to worry about credit card bills, the reality is, every time I look around, people are getting what they want and I don't. THAT is depressing like hell.
But there is something I have always silently bragged about..having H. :) I have seen other people's bf/fiance/husband.. Although I feel bad for feeling this way, I can't help smiling in pride with who I have by my side and at times, I even feel sorry for the other girl, because the person sitting next to her is a jerk or a loser. There's this one very sweet and nice girl i know whose fiance insulted my job, right to my face. I do not have to prove myself to him, because I know, and for god's sake everyone who knows our field would know that my job is superior to his, so I let it slip. As for that girl, she has my deepest sympathy.
Name me a guy who remembers history like H does. Name me a guy who reads so diligently like H does. He's like a walking encyclopedia. We once had a conversation about the mechanics of a type of watch, how it uses pressure to determine altitude. I can hardly recall 1 name that I can have that conversation with, other than H. Yes, I'm a geek, I can only survive dating a geek. Can you imagine watching nat geo and having someone by your side who is ready to answer any question you have? It's amazing! Ngeeee...

Mesti la tunang saya bes kan, dah nama pon tunang saya. Muaahahahahaa...

Couple fights

A good friend once told me, he admired the relationship that a friend of his has with his gf. They don't fight at all. They were friends for a long time before starting a romantic relationship, so my friend said that their bond is very strong as a result of the friendship, that's why they don't fight. I know he didn't mean to compare my relationship with my bf to that couple's relationship, but being someone who knows about a few fights that I had with my bf, I can't help feeling like the statement implied their relationship is better than mine. I know I'm being unnecessarily defensive, but the harshest judgments always come from oneself. Many weeks had passed since that conversation took place but it still kept playing in my mind. I know there's always room for improvements in my relationship but i was thinking, it's been 6 years how can I not reach that level yet, as in the ultimate state of being together that you don't even fight at all? I thought our bond is very strong, have I been wrong all these while? This morning, while driving home from work I suddenly got the answer.

All couples fight. Good ones don't fight about petty things, they only fight about major, significant things. Issues that really matters. And those fights, of course, take place behind closed doors.

All couples fight. That's a sign that the relationship is healthy. I'm not saying you must fight, but put two different person with different personalities together, you are bound to have differences. And it is only natural that issues will arise that could eventually lead to a fight.

All couples fight. That's a good sign, it means you're trying. Trying to fix an issue, trying to make it better, trying to make it last... You voice out and talk about it. It's not necessarily those big fights, it could be an argument, anything that would make those two people to talk about what's bothering them and find a way to make things work.

I've been in a relationship that has no fight, where everything seems perfect while it lasted. Needless to say, it didn't last long. When a couple don't fight at all, one party is either too dominant, or basically a doormat trying so hard to please everyone. Or, either one or both, just simply don't care what happens to the relationship. That's not healthy, and no one wants to be in those kind of relationship. Okay maybe some do, not me, that's for sure.

So, to sum things up, every couple fight. That's how things work. Fighting is normal and it's part of being in a relationship, it's in the package. It's when you don't fight at all that you should start worrying.

We have it the hard way, too

I just read an article that was shared by a friend on Facebook. The article was titled "Mengapa Lelaki Kahwin Lambat?". I imagine everyone can guess the contents of the article, i.e weddings are costly, there's not enough time to save, wang hantaran, maljis etc. And..the best part, the grand finale, is this statement "...and the pressure is on men...". This article was not written by the person who published it on the website, there was a link to the original writer's blog, in which it was written in a more casual manner as opposed to the more formal way eith the one published on the website. Fine. That was what I assumed the opinion of one person. It was enough to irritate me, but what irks me even more is the comments on the blog. Everyone, I repeat, every single person who dropped one or more comments on that entry talks about how difficult it is being a male nowadays with regard to getting married. I was appalled by what I read. Where have all these people been living? Are they from another era altogether? Why is everyone so focused on what MEN has to go through? What about us ladies? What about US, who spends as much the men in the relationship, who contributes as much with expenses?

This is the 21st century. Women have the same level of education, earns as much, and spends as much. Conduct a survey, I would love to see how many percent of all relationships still have the male as bread-winner, who pays for everything while the female partner just sits and enjoy the luxury. I bet you less than 5%. Of all the married couples I know, not even one of them has the male as sole provider. Everything is shared, family expenses are divided between those two. Same goes to those who are still dating. One would pay for the meal and the other one would pay for the movie tickets. You pay this time, I'll pay next time. No, we don't carry around an account to show whose turn it is but you get the point, it's equal. There is no such thing as men having more pressure or caring more burden than women.

When it comes to getting married, it is still the same case. Who do they think pays for the dress? Who do they think pays the photographer? Who do they think pays for the decorations? An angel from the sky?? Hello. Open your eyes a little wider, your mind a little broader, will you? How shallow can those people be? It is US ladies who pay for those expenses. All those hantaran, expensive watches, perfume sets, big boys toys, DSLR cameras you hardly know how to use, expensive shoes, platinum wedding bands...and the list goes on.. Where do you think they come from? OUR savings, of course! Money that we worked day and night to get. Money we starve ourselves to save. Money from the shopping trips we cut off so that we can save. The wedding favours, those little fancy gifts that the 1000 over guests each receive- No they are not sent by a fairy godmother the day before the reception. WE do the research, WE get the suppliers, we PAY the suppliers. So you see, life is no easier on us girls.

When two people are married, the car installment, house mortgage, childrens' expenses, are all divided between them. There is no such thing as a wife complaining about having to spend on things other than herself. Well, if the guy choose to marry a spoilt brat then that is his problem. You should know before you make that decision to get married how life will be. For the rest of us, we are smart enough to know that our partner can't afford to pay for everything on his own if we were to have a comfortable life. Because we know we want to drive to work so we need two cars, we know we want to live in a comfortable house so mortgage is high, we know we want to eat good food so groceries are costly, and we know we want a considerably good life together so we share the burden.

I overheard my mother having a phone conversation with her former colleague. Apparently everyone is getting their child married so everyone is busy with wedding preparations so everyone is doing wedding talk so everyone is comparing notes. I heard... "...ring ada macam-macam jenis...banyak choice...eh, tak la..yang takde certificate pon cantik..ha'ah nagda-ngada je tu...tak payah diamond yang ada certificate...cantik jugak.. eh, banyak cerita pulak budak tu.." I stopped listening and I went upstairs. Another 5 mins into the conversation I might have ripped the phone from my mother's hand and said, "Aunty, first of all, you have no idea arrangements between your son and his fiancee macam mana. For all you know, she is paying for the ring herself. Kalau tak macam tu pon, aunty penah pikir ke selama ni berapa banyak dah duit that girl habis untuk anak aunty, barang-barang hantaran untuk anak aunty tu siapa yang bayar kalau bukan budak perempuan mengada tu? kasut beratus-ratus, camera harga beribu-ribu, kalau anak aunty mintak toys, gadget ke, ye la memang la mainan, tapi mainan nye beratus kalau tak beribu harganye.." Yes, she is looking out for her son, but did she ever stopped to think about how much that girl has to spend? If she has been working for several years, and she is doing well considering her age, doesn't she deserve what she wants, especially if she herself can afford it? Why should she settle for less? As for the guy, you want to get married, you should be prepared fro what comes with that decision. And you should be man enough not to run to your mother every single instance you face a bump in the road. You're about to be the head of the family for God's sake, learn to stand on your own two feet.

I know what it feels like because I am going through the same thing. I am paying for engagement expenses, engagement dress, engagement hantaran, etc. I am paying for my wedding dress- nikah and reception, my bridesmaid's dress, my parents outfit and my sister's outfit, I am paying for the hantaran, decorations of hantaran, photography, wedding favours, invitation cards, hair & makeup.. You name it, it will all be from my hard-earned savings. The icing on the cake? I have a mother who wants everything fancy but expects us to fork out the money on our own. It's like headache times 50.

So no, we are not living in a wonderland. Girls are facing challenges as tough as the guys are. And we don't come cheap because you don't get a girl who sits at home having foam bath and having her hair done for four hours everyday. We go to work, busts our ass off from dawn to night so that we bring home our half of the bread to feed the family. So please stop talking about how tough life is for men. Remember, wedding receptions are held at both sides, not just the male's. And men are not expected to cover the expenses for both sides. Us girls carry the same amount of responsibility.

We don't live in a mee-mee world. The world is just as tough on us. I feel like slapping the author of the article so that he will wake up from his fantasy. Long gone are days where men are knights in shining armour that saves us from the witch and the dragon, and puts us in a lovely castle. Nowadays, we fight our own battle, slay the dragon and shoot our own deer for dinner.


So sir, the one who published the article, please start talking with your brains, not with your dick and balls. And madam blogger, the one who actually wrote the entry, YOU may expect your partner to cover all the bills, do all the hardwork, but the rest of us don't. maybe you're not intelligent enough for that, but we are. There should be a law against these idiots who write nonsense.

Everything

"You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the life, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you're everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

-Everything, Lifehouse

This is my "En. Bf".

This person is my life, the purpose for my waking up each morning, my comfort pillow, my strength, my favourite belonging, in short, my everything.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we managed to pull through, despite all the hardships in the last 6 years. Our relationship is filled with flavor, laughter and tears, and most importantly, our ability to laugh at the things that brought us tears in the first place. Sweet memories lined our journey as a couple, pulling us closer together.

I love seeing him in his KABA shirt...

I love watching him at work, with that focused look on his face, the occasional head scratching...

This is us on his graduation day.

His imperfections make him perfect...

I can't even try to explain what he means to me. Going to bed without him by my side hurts. Being at work during days that he is off work sucks, lying on the couch watching tv on a rainy day makes me miss him the most.

God created an amazing creature, who happens to be mine. What a blessing, eh? :)

two-seven

Wow.. twenty-sevennnnn!!! That's a big number. Huh. I'm not sure if I like being closer to thirty. But then, if i'm not 27, I wouldn't be here, enjoying the joys that life has rewarded me. If I were 24 or 25, I'd still be struggling to make ends meet every month, drooling every time I visit the mall because I can't afford anything I like. So I guess 27 is not that bad after all.

Well, as usual, the ritual....birthday blog. :)

So lets see... what have i learned for the past one year...

First and foremost, unconditional love, is hard. It tears you apart, break you, and wear you out. It's tough to keep it going. But having it is a blessing.

Well, I'm not sure if I have grown up since one year ago. If you were to ask H, he'd probably say no. Hell, he'd probably even say I haven't grown at all in the last 5 years. Well, I'm fine with that. You know what, when you love someone that much, it's fine he he says things like that. If you don't like it, you fight, if you can tolerate you ignore, and if you can look at it the funny way, you laugh. We fight like cats and dogs nowadays. Oh well, that's what relationship is about right? Fighting. ;)

Anyway, next year will bring something new to my life. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I'll discuss that when I'm ready.

One thing I do know for sure, buying home appliances makes me feel like a grown up. :) I haven't really been able to afford things for my house much in the past, given my salary was barely enough to feed both myself and my car. So now that I finally have the ability to do it, I can't stop. It is highly fatal to let me loose in IKEA without supervision. It is hazardous to my purse. And now that we've grown older, whenever H accompanies me to my IKEA trip, people would look at us like we're newlyweds. I think that's cute. Hehe.. ;p

Oh, I started cooking!! By that I discovered that I love making chinese stir-fries. So that's my second favourite after baking. Oh, and I see a new oven and mixer making it's way to my house. I can already smell the aroma of cupcakes and cookies wafting in the air, filling up the house with that vanilla scent.. Oooh.. Hahaaa.. H would shake his head and say, apa lagi you beli ni sayang... Beli oven la darling, how else am I suppose to bake without an oven??! Hehe.. But he's so supportive of my cooking, he 'belanja' me a wok last week. :) Thanks honey. That means more chinese cooking for you. ;)

Aaand... That's all for now. I have a feeling there will be a second entry on "being 27". So I guess I'll be writing again soon.

Til then, Happy birthday Sarah!!!

lil cuzzens

While driving a few days ago, I was suddenly reminiscing my babysitting days back when i was still in school and in college. Being the second eldest among us cousins, I ended up babysitting a lot. Mostly for my aunt in Rawang.

The first one was Qish. I just entered form 4 when she was born, and I missed her birth because I was staying in the hostel. I managed to get kicked out of the hostel (much to my delight) the following year, so I was appointed the official babysitter around the time she turned 1. She was the smartest toddler on earth! She was sharp, observant, and funny. She learned to walk fast, and learned to talk just as fast. Before i knew it, she was already completing full sentences. On her third birthday, Qish said, "I am 3 years old today." And when she was 5, she went for a vacation, came back and described Madurodam to us, citing it was her favourite place of all, second to Disneyland of course. One particular memory stood out, it was raining that evening, Qish was about 1 1/2 years old. She was having trouble sleeping and was already grumpy. She wasn't the type who complains a lot but i guess the sound of the rain was disturbing. I held her, and as the rain was getting lighter, I carried her to the porch, swinging lightly until she finally fell asleep in my arms. That moment, I wished I could freeze time, and let her be in her peaceful sleep forever..

Then came Iman. I was already in UM. My aunt is not able to deliver her babies the normal way, all her 3 children was delivered by C-section. She had the date picked out in advance, so we had all anticipated it. I remember I had a viva for my programming paper that morning, and I rushed to the hospital as soon as we were done. She was cute and tiny, barely opening her eyes.. We took turns to hold her. My youngest aunt still has a video of 2-days-old Iman in her phone. A few months later i started my industrial training somewhere very close to my aunt's house so I stayed with her the whole 3 and a half months. Iman was about 2 months old when I started. Again, I was the babysitter. Changing her diapers, feeeding her, bathing her, just like i did with Qish. I'd stay up and keep my aunt and uncle company when she was down with a fever, taking turns to hold her so that each could catch some sleep. When industrial training ended I could barely go more than 2 weeks without seeing Iman and Qish. I'd miss them so much, I'd just hop on the komuter straight to Rawang, and my uncle would fetch me at the station and I'll spend my weekend there. One time Iman was hospitalized and she only wanted me to hold her. I was in the middle of midterms so I couldn't stay. It broke my heart in two when I had to leave that night, she was crying and she didn't want to let me go.

Aidan's story is a little bit different. I played with him as much as I did Iman and Qish but I didn't get to do so much babysitting. My aunt and uncle started hiring a maid after Aidan was born. 3 is a wee but too much to handle on their own. Those 3 can really wreak havoc. Anyway, Aidan was always clutching to the bibik, although whenever they came to our house, bath time with kak sarah is always those two kids' favourite. Iman and Aidan would request bubbles and songs and we'd spend ages in the bathroom singing Baa baa black sheep and blowing bubbles. Their laughter still rings in my ears.

Qish and Iman, are like chalk and cheese. Qish is more reserved, preferring to observe in silence. Her observance serves her well. She has become a very smart kid, with a great sense of humour. Her blog never fails to crack me up in the middle of the night. Iman is the free-spirited one. Carefree and fun. You can see that she has confidence in her. She's loud, always laughing, unlike her sister. Aidan is usually her target. She's the boss and orders him around. It's really fun to watch. And I love them all very dearly. Well, I wouldn't deny they do get on my nerves from time to time.

With all of them, I watched them grow. I watched each phase of their childhood. I watched as they learn to walk, as they learn to speak.. I watched as they learn each of our name until they got it right. We would ask them over and over again who this is, and who that is. Those whose names that they got right would beam with pride. I watched as they learn to hold the pencil and draw their first fish and stars. And when the time comes, they will no longer want to sit in my lap as they used to. They prefer doing things on their own. That was always the toughest part. We'd watch cartoons and instead of coming right to sit in my lap, they'll choose their own seat. "They're growing up, this is part of it", I'd say to myself with a heavy sigh. And the time comes when they no longer want me to draw for them, they want to draw on their own and then show it to me. It was difficult to keep my hands on my sides while they struggle with a toy, when they were trying so hard to prove that they can do it. Me helping would crush that spirit. Sometimes when I just couldn't help myself, I'd try to help, and I'll be brushed off with sentences like, "Iman pandai kak sarah, Iman dah besar." or "Aidan tauuuu.." When Qish first learned alphabets, I would tirelessly tease her with "B for Balqish!" knowing that she would counter with "A for Aqish la kak sarahh.." hehe.. and the argument would continue until she gives up and with me laughing aloud. I remember having to bite my tongue when they struggle with re-counting the things they've just learned. From numbers 1 to 10, to the 7 days of the week.

Words can't describe how much I love them, and the memories of them growing up will stay with me forever..

1818

About 5 years ago... I was still in UM. Still struggling... Literally struggling. I think I've mentioned before that I'm not among the smart ones who goes to UM. I really did struggle to pass my papers. Studying while I was recovering from a bad breakup. Looking back, a small part of me wished I hadn't spent so much energy on that, because what I was going to get is so much better. But of course, how was I supposed to know that?? I think I stopped crying after about one and a half years. I hated myself everytime I shed tears for that guy because I know how pathetic it is to cry over someone who clearly states he doesn't want you anymore. I did everything I could think of to get over him. I dated other guys, many guys, I went clubbing, I joined more sports team, I went for tournaments, I traveled to visit my friends during my semester break, I babysat my little cousins.. I filled my free time as much as possible. But in the silence of the night, the tears still come. I think.. after some time, it wasn't so much about him anymore. At first, yes, it is hard to let go of someone you love. But after that part is over, I guess the thing that kept pulling me down was the loneliness. Especially when you're pretty close to your partner while the relationship lasted. So when it ended, it leaves this big gap, or hole in your heart. Anyway, that was that. So about 5 years ago, I was this girl, UM student, single. So any kind of activity that involves my friends, I would usually attend. As mentioned earlier, I kept myself occupied as much as possible. By then I have almost completely recovered from the break up. Not having the ex-bf in my life does not bother me so much anymore, but the loneliness does. By then, I have actually stopped trying to find a bf, after several uninteresting attempts. A good friend told me, "Good things come when you least expect it." I believed her, but waiting for something with no arrival date was an agony. She kept saying, "Be patient.." And needless to say, she was right. After I have given up searching, after I have managed to convince myself I am better off single, someone from the past showed up. Out of the blue, this person bumped into me at 12th College, stared at me with that hey-I-know-you-from-somewhere look on his face, smiled at me, and ask for my yahoo id. I didn't expect anything at first. He was just an old schoolmate. Then on ym he asked me out to breakfast. That was when it started to become something exciting. After the breakfast date, the butterflies in the stomach jumps like crazy whenever he texts. If I had known God was going to send me this guy, I would have told myself not to cry at all when the ex left, for the replacement is so much better than I could ever imagine. But then again, if I had not shed so much tears for that one, would I even appreciate the new one when he came along? Ok, I'm not going to waste my time wondering. I am glad everything has happened the way it did. It shaped me to become the person I am today. When we met, it couldn't have been a better time. And exactly 5 years minus 7 days ago, I officially became his gf. To this day, I still remain that title. And in 7 days, we will celebrate our 5th anniversary. I can already see Year 6 holding an exciting journey for both of us. 5 years and counting.. Not bad, huh? *wink. :)



[(365 days X 5) = 1825] - 7 = 1818 days



.

upon a star..

I wish...

I can play the piano and I have a beautiful voice...so that I can play Everything by Lifehouse on my wedding day and sing it and dedicate it to my Lifehouse-fan-husband-to-be.

I can play the guitar so that I can play You and Me by Lifehouse on my wedding day and look into the eyes of my dear beloved while I say the words of the song, because this is the song that play on my mp3 player whenever I miss him. This is also the song he used as the background music for a slideshow of our pictures together.

Those are my wishes... things I can only dream about..

"Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know"

-Blind, Lifehouse.

Sleepy head

It's easy to see that I am feeling very gloomy..

I sleep all the time. I even sleep at the office. I never sleep at the office when I'm on morning shift. But now.. I couldn't care less. You can snap my picture while I'm dozing on the desk and send it to my boss for all I care.

And I hate going to work. HATE. This is coming from a person who used to enjoy 18 hours a day at work.

Basically, I just want to sleep all the time. That's my escape. Sleeping has always been my escape from reality when things are bad, when life sucks, when love hurts and when studies are crap. Sleep is my savior.

When I sleep there's no wedding stuff buzzing in my ears...

When I sleep there's no engagement plans forcing it's way into my mind...

When I sleep I don't have to entertain all the disturbing thoughts of getting married...



I wish I'm in a dream. I keep pinching myself but I never wake up.

sunken to the pit bottom

I don't get to decide what I wear.

I don't get to decide the theme colour.

I don't get to decide the kind of invitation card nor the colour nor the design of card.

I don't get to decide for any of these things that I'm blowing all my savings on.




What kind of wedding is that?

Will I even be happy?



The last time I feel this depressed was way back then in UM.

Two persons beside H that I would always call whenever I am upset - my best friend ana and my aunt in Holland.
I don't even feel like talking now let alone call them.

I'm tired...
Of arguing, of saying yes, of keeping quiet, of nodding as if i agreed.
I am so tired of having no say that the only thing I can manage right now is silence.


I can't. I just can't... Please make all these go away.

I'm wishing for a wonderland; with potions that make you shrink, with cakes that make you grow, with talking animals, with cats that can disappear, and with, maybe, even a Jabberwocky that I can slay.


I surrender, **sigh. You can have the wedding, since I won't have mine.